CNN.com Specials
CNN.com: Quake, tsunami kills thousands
CNN.com: Report: Third of dead were children
Those are but a few.
It's the most unexpected and terrible thing to hit Asia for nearly a century. (Personally, the '97 finanacial crisis affected me more, but this is a real tragedy.) Lucky me was in Penang at the time, but I wasn't even near any of the areas affected by the whole thing. The nearest I was to the seaside was at Bayan Lepas FIZ, where people were fishing quietly by the beach. I only got to know the whole thing Monday morning when I read the papers in Ipoh.
I can't find much (read: lazy to google) about the extend of the destruction in Penang, but from what I heard from friends, it's pretty bad. Roads split near Island Plaza. Batu Feringgi is a mess, fishing villages in the north-eastern part of the island are in shambles.
Comparing to what happened to other countries, especially India, Sri Lanka, and not to mention Maldives with two-thirds of its land submerged, I'll say Malaysia did OK. The saddest thing is that the death tolls keep rising, and so many of them are children. Areas destroyed will take years and millions of dollars to rebuild. So many lost their homes and loved ones.
CNN.com: Fatal Lack of Warning System
It's true that governments could have done more in terms of some kinda disaster warning system for real-time warnings on tragedies like this. Still, they are not to blame because this, the Indian Ocean, is really not a region that's been high in these kinda seismic activities. More like, none.
It's a good thing that governments now plan to setup such warning systems. It might be too late for what has already happened, but hopefully, it will help save lives if, God forbids, that similar events might occur in the future.
Besides these, it's really been a bad December. A few buses have had serious accidents casuing deaths throughout the month. The Lata Kinjang waterfall, a famous tourist attraction here, had a sudden flood during peak days. Bad news are all I see in the papers this month.
Hopefully, things will get better next year.
For those who died, may they find peace; and for those who lost so much, may they find the strength to live on.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
moving in
Bought some stuff for my room in Penang last Sunday. Not much, just a nice computer desk, a Coffee-Bean-type chair, something to hang my clothes on and one of those plastic drawer thingy. Stuff are so expensive these days. I was kinda thinking on getting a (real) cupboard or closet for clothes.
I still have yet to get a bed, but I'll probably only get the mattress. Things are soooo expensive. :) Will also need some tiny drawers/bedside desk or something. I haven't decided yet. I've got less than RM1000 to spend on stuff, including a stove, maybe a share of a washing machine and stome other stuff.
Worst still, I haven't found either a motorbike or a car. Work's starting on the 10th next month. I seriously do not have much time to get everything done before that. Maybe I should've asked for an even earlier release from work here. I'm doing nothing here now anyway, since I've already finished all my projects and passed whatever remains to my colleague. :)
I still have yet to get a bed, but I'll probably only get the mattress. Things are soooo expensive. :) Will also need some tiny drawers/bedside desk or something. I haven't decided yet. I've got less than RM1000 to spend on stuff, including a stove, maybe a share of a washing machine and stome other stuff.
Worst still, I haven't found either a motorbike or a car. Work's starting on the 10th next month. I seriously do not have much time to get everything done before that. Maybe I should've asked for an even earlier release from work here. I'm doing nothing here now anyway, since I've already finished all my projects and passed whatever remains to my colleague. :)
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
z u g
| You never appreciate how long the night really is, until you stay awake through it. I tried all the usual tricks, starting with counting sheep. I got up to forty-two, then ran into a problem when #43 wouldn't go over the fence. The shepherd came out, tried some soothing words, to no avail. He tried softly stroking the sheep, which didn't work either, but did get the shepherd aroused. Before I knew what was happening, he had fitted the sheep's rear legs with a pair of black nylons, and was madly pumping it from behind. |
That's what www.zug.com is all about. :) Hella funny site.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
resignation
I just handed in my resignation. The manager's on leave, so I just left the letter on her desk, then sent her an sms. I was kinda expecting to see her face and how she react, in person, when I hand it in, but this couldn't wait. I'm already asking for a shortened notice period as it is.
She did call almost immediately after getting my sms. Sound shocked on the phone, and kept bugging me about my reason for leaving. She just clammed up when I told her that I found a better offer. :) Been wanting to say that for a long time. She said she'll come back tomorrow so that we can discuss it further. I made it clear that the only thing left to be discussed is how soon I can leave.
Seriously though, I'm not being cruel or whatever. I really do need the extra time to prepare. I haven't even got myself a place to stay over in Penang, haven't found a car, let along decide on what I'm gonna pack and bring with me. There's probably gonna be some renovation for one of the rooms at home starting in about a week's time, since my brother's gonna be back soon. All in all, two weeks is probably not enough time for me to get everything perfect, being the perfectionist that I am. :P
As for the new job, it's probably not that much of a better offer, after considering all the extra expenses I'll have to deal with. It IS more or less better in the sense that it'll look more interesting on my resume, and that it has a better future than the dead-end-shit-pay job that I'm having now.
I probably shouldn't complain. There's a lot of people out there who are practically begging for any job they can get, with the market being as bad as it is. I AM thankful. Especially for being able to get outta this place. It'll probably mean no more abusing of a 2Mbps line and such, but I can live with that. :)
Plus, four years in Ipoh is enough. It's more or less like a Malaysian version of Florida - a place where it's probably good to retire to, minus the beautiful beaches and bitches. :)
Hopefully, next year will be a better year.
She did call almost immediately after getting my sms. Sound shocked on the phone, and kept bugging me about my reason for leaving. She just clammed up when I told her that I found a better offer. :) Been wanting to say that for a long time. She said she'll come back tomorrow so that we can discuss it further. I made it clear that the only thing left to be discussed is how soon I can leave.
Seriously though, I'm not being cruel or whatever. I really do need the extra time to prepare. I haven't even got myself a place to stay over in Penang, haven't found a car, let along decide on what I'm gonna pack and bring with me. There's probably gonna be some renovation for one of the rooms at home starting in about a week's time, since my brother's gonna be back soon. All in all, two weeks is probably not enough time for me to get everything perfect, being the perfectionist that I am. :P
As for the new job, it's probably not that much of a better offer, after considering all the extra expenses I'll have to deal with. It IS more or less better in the sense that it'll look more interesting on my resume, and that it has a better future than the dead-end-shit-pay job that I'm having now.
I probably shouldn't complain. There's a lot of people out there who are practically begging for any job they can get, with the market being as bad as it is. I AM thankful. Especially for being able to get outta this place. It'll probably mean no more abusing of a 2Mbps line and such, but I can live with that. :)
Plus, four years in Ipoh is enough. It's more or less like a Malaysian version of Florida - a place where it's probably good to retire to, minus the beautiful beaches and bitches. :)
Hopefully, next year will be a better year.
Thursday, December 9, 2004
what can i say?
Read this
That is the concise version. I got interested in that piece of news when I was scanning through a local Chinese daily this morning. What is not included in the online version, is information such as how the accused had been working for the post for 8 years, delivering mail via motorcycle and van, and is currently only getting RM500 per month.
With that piece of information, it is obvious that the fella actually did what he did to get to whatever that's worth something inside the mail that he's supposed to deliver for extra income.
What's wrong with this picture?
Aside from the obvious, that he has gone against his job ethics in tampering with the mail (which he is now paying for with 2 year's jail), is how badly paid some government servants are.
I said some, because I see those that get paid beyond what they deserve all the time. For example, you friendly local assemblymen. How many of them actually deserve to be where they are now, least of all getting paid for it? And those idiots that gets laptops everytime they go for a meeting? Oh please. Do they even know how to use a laptop?!
Let's take the PM for example. He's getting a monthly salary of over RM20k, has government provided housing and transport, tons of benefits, claims for traveling overseas... not to mention other *coughunderthetablecough* income sources. I'm sure if there ever was a in-depth investigation into what these government people are getting, we'll all see how unbelievably disappointing the whole system is.
The other thing is, I utterly fail to understand how someone working for the same company for 8 years can only be getting paid what part-timers, in their teens, can be easily getting. It's even a government subsidised corporation, for chrisakes!!
If these high up "officials" would only give up some of their income for charity every month, we probably won't even need to have any charity drives in the country at all.
Charity shows are another stupid idea. We often see charity shows that pays for artists/idols to attend and play games, get people to donate via the phone or whatever, give prizes the stars... blah blah yadda yadda. Didn't they even stop to think that, instead of spending all that money on hiring people, organising the show and buying the prizes, they might as well just donate those money to charity?
It's all a freaking show. That's what life is.
That is the concise version. I got interested in that piece of news when I was scanning through a local Chinese daily this morning. What is not included in the online version, is information such as how the accused had been working for the post for 8 years, delivering mail via motorcycle and van, and is currently only getting RM500 per month.
With that piece of information, it is obvious that the fella actually did what he did to get to whatever that's worth something inside the mail that he's supposed to deliver for extra income.
What's wrong with this picture?
Aside from the obvious, that he has gone against his job ethics in tampering with the mail (which he is now paying for with 2 year's jail), is how badly paid some government servants are.
I said some, because I see those that get paid beyond what they deserve all the time. For example, you friendly local assemblymen. How many of them actually deserve to be where they are now, least of all getting paid for it? And those idiots that gets laptops everytime they go for a meeting? Oh please. Do they even know how to use a laptop?!
Let's take the PM for example. He's getting a monthly salary of over RM20k, has government provided housing and transport, tons of benefits, claims for traveling overseas... not to mention other *coughunderthetablecough* income sources. I'm sure if there ever was a in-depth investigation into what these government people are getting, we'll all see how unbelievably disappointing the whole system is.
The other thing is, I utterly fail to understand how someone working for the same company for 8 years can only be getting paid what part-timers, in their teens, can be easily getting. It's even a government subsidised corporation, for chrisakes!!
If these high up "officials" would only give up some of their income for charity every month, we probably won't even need to have any charity drives in the country at all.
Charity shows are another stupid idea. We often see charity shows that pays for artists/idols to attend and play games, get people to donate via the phone or whatever, give prizes the stars... blah blah yadda yadda. Didn't they even stop to think that, instead of spending all that money on hiring people, organising the show and buying the prizes, they might as well just donate those money to charity?
It's all a freaking show. That's what life is.
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
happy birthday mom
Booked a karaoke room last night and had a party for my mom's birthday. Mostly just invited her closest friends - aunties. :) Mom was happy.
She made some pretty good food that we brought along. Too bad we weren't allowed to bring our own drinks. At least they let us exchange the bottle of cheap red wine and the bottle of cheaper brandy that came with the package for something else. Something else = 2 jugs of beer and 12 1L-bottles of mineral water. We all got a good laugh outta that, cuz I was joking in the car on the way there about how many bottles of mineral water we'll get in place of the cheap wines they have. The waiter actually bought the whole retail box of mineral water in.
Since I was the only guy, I had to help out with all the duets and male songs. My having a sorethroat didn't help at all and I'm either speaking softer than a fag, or communicating with lousy sign language in office today. I wonder when it'll be okay for me to start snacking on the Twisties and Cheezels I stocked up at home...
She made some pretty good food that we brought along. Too bad we weren't allowed to bring our own drinks. At least they let us exchange the bottle of cheap red wine and the bottle of cheaper brandy that came with the package for something else. Something else = 2 jugs of beer and 12 1L-bottles of mineral water. We all got a good laugh outta that, cuz I was joking in the car on the way there about how many bottles of mineral water we'll get in place of the cheap wines they have. The waiter actually bought the whole retail box of mineral water in.
Since I was the only guy, I had to help out with all the duets and male songs. My having a sorethroat didn't help at all and I'm either speaking softer than a fag, or communicating with lousy sign language in office today. I wonder when it'll be okay for me to start snacking on the Twisties and Cheezels I stocked up at home...
multi-level marketing
Check this out at Qualoos! MLM Scams
Given, some of the language the article used and certain ways that they present their opinions spell at least a little discrimination against multi-level marketing, or direct sales as it's more popularly known in Malaysia, most of what it says rings truth.
I myself have attended quite a few of these rallies, which is supposedly to educated/encourage members to sell the products. In reality, I see cheesy middle age men and women giving bullshit speeches about how they succeeded, while they profess not to be able to answer a lot of the questions I asked, saying that it'll all be clear once I joined.
Another thing that seriously causes a doubt is that, if it is true that these companies really earn money from selling actual products, instead of charging for memberships, books, tapes, seminars/trainings etc, why is it that it's never enough that you buy products from one of their members? If you ever buy a product from any member, you'll get pestered again and again to join as a member yourself, getting thrown at with how much you can save if you join, and how much more you can save/earn if you get downlines yourself.
The similarity between this and how beggar kids in Thailand will flock to you if you ever give a single coin to any single one of them.
I think it's ok if you treat MLM as a part-time job for a little extra income, or if you join an MLM program because their product is really good and you really wanna use them. If you plan on making it full-time, make sure you have something to fall back on. And don't freaking try to build your downline using friends and family, you'd end up losing those too.
Then again... one would be better off getting a REAL part-time job. I mean, Amway salesman really doesn't look well on a resume.
Given, some of the language the article used and certain ways that they present their opinions spell at least a little discrimination against multi-level marketing, or direct sales as it's more popularly known in Malaysia, most of what it says rings truth.
I myself have attended quite a few of these rallies, which is supposedly to educated/encourage members to sell the products. In reality, I see cheesy middle age men and women giving bullshit speeches about how they succeeded, while they profess not to be able to answer a lot of the questions I asked, saying that it'll all be clear once I joined.
Another thing that seriously causes a doubt is that, if it is true that these companies really earn money from selling actual products, instead of charging for memberships, books, tapes, seminars/trainings etc, why is it that it's never enough that you buy products from one of their members? If you ever buy a product from any member, you'll get pestered again and again to join as a member yourself, getting thrown at with how much you can save if you join, and how much more you can save/earn if you get downlines yourself.
The similarity between this and how beggar kids in Thailand will flock to you if you ever give a single coin to any single one of them.
I think it's ok if you treat MLM as a part-time job for a little extra income, or if you join an MLM program because their product is really good and you really wanna use them. If you plan on making it full-time, make sure you have something to fall back on. And don't freaking try to build your downline using friends and family, you'd end up losing those too.
Then again... one would be better off getting a REAL part-time job. I mean, Amway salesman really doesn't look well on a resume.
Friday, December 3, 2004
hoping for more
2 days ago, I was only hoping that I'll get better soon. I'd not thought it possible that I could fall ill so easily, even though it's more or less the flu season again. (Come to think of it, there seems to be quite a lot of flu seasons lately, and I'm not counting the chicken flu thing.) I did get better, although my throat still feels like a mess and I have about half the voice (read:volume) that I usually have.
Things got even better when I saw my last semester results. I'd passed everything, albeit not with flying colors, and it means that I'm done with my degree. I've graduated. :) Well, I'm assuming that I did, since I saw nothing on my student page that indicates otherwise. According to the staff in charge of my program, I can expect the official transcripts and graduation related stuff to arrive sometime in January. That's kinda late. I was kinda hoping that I could get them within a couple of weeks.
That's mainly because Dell's offer kinda suck. Freaking low pay, even though I've got pretty good experience in the field, just because I do not have a degree. More ironically, they really don't care what discipline the degree is in, just a degree. *grrh* The HR lady from Dell haven't call me back yet. Hopefully I'll get a call tomorrow and we can make arrangements for a better package than the one she offered me yesterday.
What were they thinking anyway? That package that they offered probably wouldn't be enough for me to survive in Penang. Especially after the horror stories of expenses from Susi™, I seriously think it's not sufficient. Still, I'd probably take it even if I can't negotiate more outta them. It IS a pretty good opportunity anyway. (read: can't wait to get outta the shithole company I'm working for.)
And I freaking want my voice back.
Things got even better when I saw my last semester results. I'd passed everything, albeit not with flying colors, and it means that I'm done with my degree. I've graduated. :) Well, I'm assuming that I did, since I saw nothing on my student page that indicates otherwise. According to the staff in charge of my program, I can expect the official transcripts and graduation related stuff to arrive sometime in January. That's kinda late. I was kinda hoping that I could get them within a couple of weeks.
That's mainly because Dell's offer kinda suck. Freaking low pay, even though I've got pretty good experience in the field, just because I do not have a degree. More ironically, they really don't care what discipline the degree is in, just a degree. *grrh* The HR lady from Dell haven't call me back yet. Hopefully I'll get a call tomorrow and we can make arrangements for a better package than the one she offered me yesterday.
What were they thinking anyway? That package that they offered probably wouldn't be enough for me to survive in Penang. Especially after the horror stories of expenses from Susi™, I seriously think it's not sufficient. Still, I'd probably take it even if I can't negotiate more outta them. It IS a pretty good opportunity anyway. (read: can't wait to get outta the shithole company I'm working for.)
And I freaking want my voice back.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
a change, maybe?
Went for a night of (not-quite)partying and an interview with Dell Penang last weekend. The number of people who turned up was overwhelming. Around 260 in a 4-5 hour period, and this is only one of the interviews. I heard another one's to be held in KL sometime next month.
The experience was not as impressive as I expected it to be. Most of the 4-hour I spent there was for waiting. The actual test and interview took me only around 1.5 hours. I think I did good. It's not really a good job, but it pays well, and I haven't lived in Penang for an extended period before, so I'm seriously hoping I get the job and have a change in environment.
The clubbing part was just decent. Susi was all about picking up/getting picked up by any white man. She got her wish, in a fairly twisted way. The guy was so freaking desperate and rude, pushing through me and Daniel to get to her. Then hit on one of the other girls when she didn't show much interested. Switched back to hogging her when Daniel talked him down. Followed us outta the club, almost across the road to the car park when we left.
He looked like he frequents clubs like those fishing for Asian chicks, so I'm seriously wondering how dumb is he to not realise that women can ALWAYS smell desperate from a mile away. Desperate = not getting laid. Elementary logic.
The crowd was pretty cool though, not as much ahbengs and ahlians as I expected. Some fine young women around too. I might really get to like the Penang clubbing scene.
Paul van Dyke will be in KL on Dec 10. Tickets are on presale already. I'm kinda thinking that I probably won't make it cos mom's birthday's just around that time. It'll be great if I could make it. Although I'm thinking that I might not wanna go with Rajev, Murali and the rest. I'll probably end up with an Indian chick if I did that, which, coincidentally, I'm not really interested in right now. :P
That also means that I'll probably have to cough up some dough for a hotel room or something. argh.
The experience was not as impressive as I expected it to be. Most of the 4-hour I spent there was for waiting. The actual test and interview took me only around 1.5 hours. I think I did good. It's not really a good job, but it pays well, and I haven't lived in Penang for an extended period before, so I'm seriously hoping I get the job and have a change in environment.
The clubbing part was just decent. Susi was all about picking up/getting picked up by any white man. She got her wish, in a fairly twisted way. The guy was so freaking desperate and rude, pushing through me and Daniel to get to her. Then hit on one of the other girls when she didn't show much interested. Switched back to hogging her when Daniel talked him down. Followed us outta the club, almost across the road to the car park when we left.
He looked like he frequents clubs like those fishing for Asian chicks, so I'm seriously wondering how dumb is he to not realise that women can ALWAYS smell desperate from a mile away. Desperate = not getting laid. Elementary logic.
The crowd was pretty cool though, not as much ahbengs and ahlians as I expected. Some fine young women around too. I might really get to like the Penang clubbing scene.
Paul van Dyke will be in KL on Dec 10. Tickets are on presale already. I'm kinda thinking that I probably won't make it cos mom's birthday's just around that time. It'll be great if I could make it. Although I'm thinking that I might not wanna go with Rajev, Murali and the rest. I'll probably end up with an Indian chick if I did that, which, coincidentally, I'm not really interested in right now. :P
That also means that I'll probably have to cough up some dough for a hotel room or something. argh.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
obsession with bad things
You know what they say, the things that are bad for you always seem to be good, in a certain sense.
Twisties is bad for you. So is Cheezels, and a bunch of other junk food. I just can't help myself though. I blame it on the reason that I didn't get much of them when I was younger. My parents are totally against junk food, and with the meager allowance I get for school, junk food is totally outta the question. Still, I'll endulge myself once in a while for a packet of BBQ Twisties. Still my fav now, obviously, since I just bought myself a few packets for all those late night DVD marathons I'm planning. :)
Late nights are bad too. According to what I've read, and what mom kept reminding me, a person's metalbolism is most active during the period of 11pm-1am. Basically, your body grows, rebuild muscles and tissues, etc, the most during these 2 hours. I guess probably that's why most people who stays up late get panda eyes. :P
I used to have a lot of those back during my college and uni days. Stopped for a few years now, but seems like I'm slowly reverting back to my former self in this aspect. Mostly it's the DVDs and animes and games and such. Sometimes I stay on the phone til quite late. I thought starting to play basketball early in the morning would help, but I still sleep late, only wake up earlier.
This also brings into mind a question which I have yet gotten an answer to: if I travel to another timezone, which 11pm-1am should I follow?
At my age, animes and games are probably bad for me too. I should probably be SERIOUSLY thinking about where I wanna go from here and make plans for the future. Seems like animes, games and sports are the only things that seriously releases me from all the daily pressure and shit, even just for a short period.
Which doesn't really make them bad for me, does it?
Twisties is bad for you. So is Cheezels, and a bunch of other junk food. I just can't help myself though. I blame it on the reason that I didn't get much of them when I was younger. My parents are totally against junk food, and with the meager allowance I get for school, junk food is totally outta the question. Still, I'll endulge myself once in a while for a packet of BBQ Twisties. Still my fav now, obviously, since I just bought myself a few packets for all those late night DVD marathons I'm planning. :)
Late nights are bad too. According to what I've read, and what mom kept reminding me, a person's metalbolism is most active during the period of 11pm-1am. Basically, your body grows, rebuild muscles and tissues, etc, the most during these 2 hours. I guess probably that's why most people who stays up late get panda eyes. :P
I used to have a lot of those back during my college and uni days. Stopped for a few years now, but seems like I'm slowly reverting back to my former self in this aspect. Mostly it's the DVDs and animes and games and such. Sometimes I stay on the phone til quite late. I thought starting to play basketball early in the morning would help, but I still sleep late, only wake up earlier.
This also brings into mind a question which I have yet gotten an answer to: if I travel to another timezone, which 11pm-1am should I follow?
At my age, animes and games are probably bad for me too. I should probably be SERIOUSLY thinking about where I wanna go from here and make plans for the future. Seems like animes, games and sports are the only things that seriously releases me from all the daily pressure and shit, even just for a short period.
Which doesn't really make them bad for me, does it?
Friday, November 12, 2004
it's been a while
Finally the last day of my finals this semester, and hopefully it's my last semester. I'm seriously thinking I might flunk my Adv Java paper, since I really didn't prepare enough for it. It'll be a waste if I did since I seriously scored with the project. Hopefully, the GBS paper later today (in about 1/2 hour) will be okay.
Actually, I'm still on annual leave. It was supposed to end today, but I forgot about the whole Deepavali and Hari Raya holidays, so I'm still off until next Tuesday. AND I've got 10 more days of annual leave that I can still apply for after that.
I kinda like the leaves, the medical coverage, the resource for abuse and stuff I get from this job. If they'd only pay me more and if only this wasn't a dead end job, I'd probably stay for much longer. With things as it is now, especially since I should (hopefully) be done with my degree, I'm definitely moving to something else.
Have an interview with a big multi-national company next Saturday. Not a really good job, and not really that much difference with what I'm doing now, but they pay good, has good benefits, and I can definitely see me moving up the ladder in that job.
Need to come up with a sorta commercial POS cum MIS system too, albeit a simple one, for my bro. I'm probably gonna get a few grands off this if it works well. Foreseeing a lot of difficulties with it though, as they're really asking a lot for the POS part, and I've really been away from VB for a long time.
Anyway, gonna enjoy the rest of the weekend and have a seriously good break.
Actually, I'm still on annual leave. It was supposed to end today, but I forgot about the whole Deepavali and Hari Raya holidays, so I'm still off until next Tuesday. AND I've got 10 more days of annual leave that I can still apply for after that.
I kinda like the leaves, the medical coverage, the resource for abuse and stuff I get from this job. If they'd only pay me more and if only this wasn't a dead end job, I'd probably stay for much longer. With things as it is now, especially since I should (hopefully) be done with my degree, I'm definitely moving to something else.
Have an interview with a big multi-national company next Saturday. Not a really good job, and not really that much difference with what I'm doing now, but they pay good, has good benefits, and I can definitely see me moving up the ladder in that job.
Need to come up with a sorta commercial POS cum MIS system too, albeit a simple one, for my bro. I'm probably gonna get a few grands off this if it works well. Foreseeing a lot of difficulties with it though, as they're really asking a lot for the POS part, and I've really been away from VB for a long time.
Anyway, gonna enjoy the rest of the weekend and have a seriously good break.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
the end of an era?
"I grew up watching Jackie Chan movies."
To a certain extent, I did. The first one was Drunnken Master, 醉拳, on TV when I was just into primary school. I loved it so much that when it showed again, my dad recorded it onto a VHS tape so I can watch it again and again. And I did.
Then came some of his earlier works, like 蛇形刁手 and those in the 80s, the early Police Story series, and he recorded those too.
At the time, Chinese KungFu movies revolved around big names like Bruce Lee, Jackie, Samo, Yuen Piao and others of Jackie's class. Well, mostly, the famous ones were by Bruce Lee, which were all serious and portrayed him as the undying hero. Jackie was totally different. Simple day-to-day objects used as weapons or obstacles to stop the enemies, funny moves, the agility of a monkey, new and amazing stunts etc... He was cool, and I watched every one of his movies, owned quite a few on VCDs too.
Well, things started to turn bad when he focused on making Hollywood movies. Rumble in the Bronx wasn't that good, A Nice Guy had a downright cheesy ending... Come to think of it, the only good thing he did in Hollywood is the first Rush Hour. Or maybe that's because of Chris Tucker. :)
The last 2 movies, Around the World in 80 Days, and Hong Kong-based New Police Story, are total disasters. The first was just a big lame joke with a lot of stars showing up in short cameo roles. The latter mixed in new blood from the Hong Kong film industry, had all of them acting so fakely westernized or trying to talk like blacks, and then the story had to put in supposedly romantic/touching stuff to make a decent action flick into a cheesy half-breed of an action film, chick flick and inspirational bullshit.
Some say that Jackie has done all the crazy stunts he could after all these years, and his advancing age if a factor forbidding him in trying out dangerous new stunts. One other thing that comes to mind is that with CG as it is nowadays, so much can be done with a computer, it's pretty dammned hard for most audience to differentiate what is real and what is not, on screen. Jackie's stunts have been touted as defying human abilities, but CG can do much better. Plus, after watching clips of extreme martial arts, Jackie Chan is not that awesome anymore. :P
Is it really the end for Jackie Chan?
To a certain extent, I did. The first one was Drunnken Master, 醉拳, on TV when I was just into primary school. I loved it so much that when it showed again, my dad recorded it onto a VHS tape so I can watch it again and again. And I did.
Then came some of his earlier works, like 蛇形刁手 and those in the 80s, the early Police Story series, and he recorded those too.
At the time, Chinese KungFu movies revolved around big names like Bruce Lee, Jackie, Samo, Yuen Piao and others of Jackie's class. Well, mostly, the famous ones were by Bruce Lee, which were all serious and portrayed him as the undying hero. Jackie was totally different. Simple day-to-day objects used as weapons or obstacles to stop the enemies, funny moves, the agility of a monkey, new and amazing stunts etc... He was cool, and I watched every one of his movies, owned quite a few on VCDs too.
Well, things started to turn bad when he focused on making Hollywood movies. Rumble in the Bronx wasn't that good, A Nice Guy had a downright cheesy ending... Come to think of it, the only good thing he did in Hollywood is the first Rush Hour. Or maybe that's because of Chris Tucker. :)
The last 2 movies, Around the World in 80 Days, and Hong Kong-based New Police Story, are total disasters. The first was just a big lame joke with a lot of stars showing up in short cameo roles. The latter mixed in new blood from the Hong Kong film industry, had all of them acting so fakely westernized or trying to talk like blacks, and then the story had to put in supposedly romantic/touching stuff to make a decent action flick into a cheesy half-breed of an action film, chick flick and inspirational bullshit.
Some say that Jackie has done all the crazy stunts he could after all these years, and his advancing age if a factor forbidding him in trying out dangerous new stunts. One other thing that comes to mind is that with CG as it is nowadays, so much can be done with a computer, it's pretty dammned hard for most audience to differentiate what is real and what is not, on screen. Jackie's stunts have been touted as defying human abilities, but CG can do much better. Plus, after watching clips of extreme martial arts, Jackie Chan is not that awesome anymore. :P
Is it really the end for Jackie Chan?
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
rants on a few bad ones
Resident Evil: Apocalypse.
Seriously, this is worse than the first. The first one was at least a lil scary, and the plot twists, although too transparent, made things a lil more interesting. The sequel is basically just a linear story with no guess work needed.
There was nothing scary about it. As with the first one, the zombies could've looked more like zombies. Some of them moved pretty fast this time though.
Again, Mila showed her tits. And again, Mila's a great fighter who doesn't really look like she knows how to fight. And yet again, they left the ending open for another sequel.
All in all, it's one of those linear, good for fun, one time only action films. Unless you're a Mila fan.
---
The House of Flying Daggers 十面埋伏
Against my better judgement, I disbelieved the bad reviews online and from the newspaper and bought the DVD. It's a beautiful movie, seriously. But sadly, that's all it is.
The story is so like Infernal Affairs 无间道 at a certain level. The cop sent undercover to the bad guys and the cop that's undercover for the bad guys. Nothing truely exciting or unexpected.
All the fight scenes that involves Zhang ZiYi are so freaking fake. Especially when she and Takeshi were running through the bamboo forest with pursuers. I still could not fathom how the pursuers managed to cut and throw so many bamboo sticks in such a short time while jumping from tree to tree, but had to take more than five minutes to do the same thing when they are standing still and both the fugitives are trapped and couldn't move.
And then there's the thing about Zhang kept NOT dying. Even when she had a dagger stuck to her heart, and was half-buried by a snowstorm, she could get back up, pull the dagger out from her heart and throw it with precision that you wouldn't believe.
Not to mention her clothes gets taken off almost every 20 minutes, but it has never gone below her waist and all the audience could see were her shoulders and back. It get really tiring. It's like the whole film was made to promote her.
So, basically, the only things worth watching this movie for are the interior design and decorations, some of the hair-dressing and costumes, plus loads and loads of forest and mountain scenery.
Oh yeah, the ending theme is actually an English song. (I was like WTF?! when I finished the movie.)
---
Faffner in the Azure - Dead Agressor
Anime. Evangelion clone with bad design, same old stupid story. I suprised myself by making it through two episodes. I deleted all eleven right after that.
---
Ladykillers
I can possibly categorize this as a comedy, drama or what, but I'm going with the comedy idea. It's funny sometimes, but mostly I find it idiotic. Tom Hanks portrayal of the well-learned professor type, as with the portrayal of all the other characters by the rest of the cast, went a bit too much overboard to keep things funny.
I cannot imaging how much rubbish the people of Mississippi produce. There were so many garbage ships passing along the Mississippi river at all times of the day that it was just plain convenient for murderers to dump bodies into them from the bridge.
It's a movie to watch when you really got nothing better to do and just wanna relax a lil.
Seriously, this is worse than the first. The first one was at least a lil scary, and the plot twists, although too transparent, made things a lil more interesting. The sequel is basically just a linear story with no guess work needed.
There was nothing scary about it. As with the first one, the zombies could've looked more like zombies. Some of them moved pretty fast this time though.
Again, Mila showed her tits. And again, Mila's a great fighter who doesn't really look like she knows how to fight. And yet again, they left the ending open for another sequel.
All in all, it's one of those linear, good for fun, one time only action films. Unless you're a Mila fan.
---
The House of Flying Daggers 十面埋伏
Against my better judgement, I disbelieved the bad reviews online and from the newspaper and bought the DVD. It's a beautiful movie, seriously. But sadly, that's all it is.
The story is so like Infernal Affairs 无间道 at a certain level. The cop sent undercover to the bad guys and the cop that's undercover for the bad guys. Nothing truely exciting or unexpected.
All the fight scenes that involves Zhang ZiYi are so freaking fake. Especially when she and Takeshi were running through the bamboo forest with pursuers. I still could not fathom how the pursuers managed to cut and throw so many bamboo sticks in such a short time while jumping from tree to tree, but had to take more than five minutes to do the same thing when they are standing still and both the fugitives are trapped and couldn't move.
And then there's the thing about Zhang kept NOT dying. Even when she had a dagger stuck to her heart, and was half-buried by a snowstorm, she could get back up, pull the dagger out from her heart and throw it with precision that you wouldn't believe.
Not to mention her clothes gets taken off almost every 20 minutes, but it has never gone below her waist and all the audience could see were her shoulders and back. It get really tiring. It's like the whole film was made to promote her.
So, basically, the only things worth watching this movie for are the interior design and decorations, some of the hair-dressing and costumes, plus loads and loads of forest and mountain scenery.
Oh yeah, the ending theme is actually an English song. (I was like WTF?! when I finished the movie.)
---
Faffner in the Azure - Dead Agressor
Anime. Evangelion clone with bad design, same old stupid story. I suprised myself by making it through two episodes. I deleted all eleven right after that.
---
Ladykillers
I can possibly categorize this as a comedy, drama or what, but I'm going with the comedy idea. It's funny sometimes, but mostly I find it idiotic. Tom Hanks portrayal of the well-learned professor type, as with the portrayal of all the other characters by the rest of the cast, went a bit too much overboard to keep things funny.
I cannot imaging how much rubbish the people of Mississippi produce. There were so many garbage ships passing along the Mississippi river at all times of the day that it was just plain convenient for murderers to dump bodies into them from the bridge.
It's a movie to watch when you really got nothing better to do and just wanna relax a lil.
Monday, October 18, 2004
yay
Monday. Luckily, I managed to finish all my assignments and passed them up today. Quality-wise, I don't really think they're anything good. Rushed work is usually like that, but I'm an avid procrastinator and a lazy bum. Working under pressure is the best way for me to concentrate, anyway.
I'm gonna treat myself to a couple of days of DVDs and VCDs, all of which I bought but haven't watched. Then, it's books all over again for my finals starting on Nov 2. If all goes well, I should be able to get outta this dung hole sometime end of the year.
At which time, I should also start thinking of getting back my internet connection. Not all companies will have a 2Mbps line for me to abuse like this. :) Hopefully tmnuts will do something about Streamyx not available in my area. I can already imagine my frustration if I had to deal with 52kbps dialup again.
I'm gonna treat myself to a couple of days of DVDs and VCDs, all of which I bought but haven't watched. Then, it's books all over again for my finals starting on Nov 2. If all goes well, I should be able to get outta this dung hole sometime end of the year.
At which time, I should also start thinking of getting back my internet connection. Not all companies will have a 2Mbps line for me to abuse like this. :) Hopefully tmnuts will do something about Streamyx not available in my area. I can already imagine my frustration if I had to deal with 52kbps dialup again.
inspirational
According to Nash (played by Russell Crowe) in A Beautiful Mind, Adam Smith is wrong. The concept of "the best results comes from everyone in the group doing what's best for himself" is, according to Nash, incomplete. The best results is only achieved when everyone in the group does what's best for himself AND the group. And then, he illustrates this with the example of how everyone can get laid. Basically, the most intereting thing in the movie.
The scenario was that there was this stunning blonde, with a few brunettes, just entered a bar/student lounge where Nash and his fellow students were, and everyone wanted the blonde.
So Nash came up with the following, which is entirely true in real life:
"If we all go for the blonde, we'll be in each other's way, and none of us will get her. So we turn to her friends, but they'll all give us the cold shoulder because no one wants to be second choice...". And he concludes that, for all of them to get laid, none of them should go for the blonde.
That, basically, sums up a lot of the success techniques of the first move in picking up women (or girls, if you'd prefer), in a bar/club. Always go for the second best, unless the best has an eye for you and only you. :)
OK, back to the movie. I actually find it kinda inspiring, the way that Nash dealt with his schizophrenia without taking medication. He probably wouldn't have done it without the support from his wife and friends though. It's basically your typically inspirational success story with a twist. The twist being success not in achieving something widely recognised or would revolutionalize something, Nash did that when he was much younger. The success here is overcoming personal difficulties in the face of overwhelming despair.
One other thing that had me thinking about this movie, and all biographical movies in general, is how true or how romanticised the story on screen is, compared to what really happened. I usually think of this point since I'd read Neil Gaiman's Reboot a few years ago.
Reboot is a short story included in Neil Gaiman's short story collection, Smoke and Mirrors. It's about a drug that cures cancer, but has certain non-lethal nor destructive side effects. One of these side effects, changing one's gender overnight, led the drug, Reboot, to be a hit. The story told of the inventor of the drug's real life and his counter part in a biographical movie of him. Two totally different versions of the "same" person, with the movie romanticised to suit the market.
Somehow, this takes the fun out of most "real-life" adapted, inpirational movies.
The scenario was that there was this stunning blonde, with a few brunettes, just entered a bar/student lounge where Nash and his fellow students were, and everyone wanted the blonde.
So Nash came up with the following, which is entirely true in real life:
"If we all go for the blonde, we'll be in each other's way, and none of us will get her. So we turn to her friends, but they'll all give us the cold shoulder because no one wants to be second choice...". And he concludes that, for all of them to get laid, none of them should go for the blonde.
That, basically, sums up a lot of the success techniques of the first move in picking up women (or girls, if you'd prefer), in a bar/club. Always go for the second best, unless the best has an eye for you and only you. :)
OK, back to the movie. I actually find it kinda inspiring, the way that Nash dealt with his schizophrenia without taking medication. He probably wouldn't have done it without the support from his wife and friends though. It's basically your typically inspirational success story with a twist. The twist being success not in achieving something widely recognised or would revolutionalize something, Nash did that when he was much younger. The success here is overcoming personal difficulties in the face of overwhelming despair.
One other thing that had me thinking about this movie, and all biographical movies in general, is how true or how romanticised the story on screen is, compared to what really happened. I usually think of this point since I'd read Neil Gaiman's Reboot a few years ago.
Reboot is a short story included in Neil Gaiman's short story collection, Smoke and Mirrors. It's about a drug that cures cancer, but has certain non-lethal nor destructive side effects. One of these side effects, changing one's gender overnight, led the drug, Reboot, to be a hit. The story told of the inventor of the drug's real life and his counter part in a biographical movie of him. Two totally different versions of the "same" person, with the movie romanticised to suit the market.
Somehow, this takes the fun out of most "real-life" adapted, inpirational movies.
Monday, October 11, 2004
*phew*
Been slaving away with my adv Java assignment for the past week, almost non-stop. Finally finished the front-end for the e-business system I'm supposed to do today. I've got less than a week to complete the back end and finish the documentation. I should be happy and take a break, since I actually finished in 1 week what my classmates took more than a month. Well, probably what I did wouldn't be of as good quality as theirs.
The break will have to wait though. I've got another paper, a very technical report for network management, that's due on the same day as my adv Java assignment. I think I seriously need some luck to make this.
Once I'm done after next Monday, I'm gonna spend a couple of night not doing anything and just watch all the DVDs I've piled up and haven't watched.
The break will have to wait though. I've got another paper, a very technical report for network management, that's due on the same day as my adv Java assignment. I think I seriously need some luck to make this.
Once I'm done after next Monday, I'm gonna spend a couple of night not doing anything and just watch all the DVDs I've piled up and haven't watched.
Friday, October 1, 2004
i, robot
I've staved off watching I, Robot for months. When I finally saw a friend of mine with a DVD copy, I just thought I'd give it a try, even though everything I heard about it sucks. :) First off, let's just say that, when you buy a pirated DVD, make sure it's not recorded directly from the cinema. It's irritating, although funny, to see people moving around when you're watching a DVD.
On to the movie. It does suck.
Barely 10 minutes into the movie, and I've already been bombarded by ad after ad of brand names. JVC, Converse, Audi... and the list goes on. "Vintage 2004" my ass. I gotta hand it to the director though. It's the most time-saving commercial effort. Every 10 to 15 minutes, you'll see at least 2 big brand names displayed on screen. Kinda reminds me of watching local Malaysian TV with over 15 minutes of ad breaks in a 1-hour show. I wonder if Will Smith showing his ass twice is supposed to be an advertisment too.
Eyecandy-wise, there wasn't really much to go "ohh-ahh" about. Nothing to watch -- from realistic expressions on robot faces to the car chases, explosions, the robot attack finale -- that hasn't been done before. The car chase scene with the robots were kinda disappointing. With the number of robots attacking a single car, it's just not logical that they didn't succeed in killing Will Smith right there.
Besides the 3 laws, the movie title, and names like Alfred Lanning, there was basically nothing in the movie that actually reminds one of any of Isaac Asimov's novels. It's like a total new story, tailor-made for Will Smith to show off as the hero -- which wasn't very impressive either way -- and to cram in advertisement after advertisement to make a helluva lot of money.
All in all, I think just wasted 2 hours watching the show last night.
On to the movie. It does suck.
Barely 10 minutes into the movie, and I've already been bombarded by ad after ad of brand names. JVC, Converse, Audi... and the list goes on. "Vintage 2004" my ass. I gotta hand it to the director though. It's the most time-saving commercial effort. Every 10 to 15 minutes, you'll see at least 2 big brand names displayed on screen. Kinda reminds me of watching local Malaysian TV with over 15 minutes of ad breaks in a 1-hour show. I wonder if Will Smith showing his ass twice is supposed to be an advertisment too.
Eyecandy-wise, there wasn't really much to go "ohh-ahh" about. Nothing to watch -- from realistic expressions on robot faces to the car chases, explosions, the robot attack finale -- that hasn't been done before. The car chase scene with the robots were kinda disappointing. With the number of robots attacking a single car, it's just not logical that they didn't succeed in killing Will Smith right there.
Besides the 3 laws, the movie title, and names like Alfred Lanning, there was basically nothing in the movie that actually reminds one of any of Isaac Asimov's novels. It's like a total new story, tailor-made for Will Smith to show off as the hero -- which wasn't very impressive either way -- and to cram in advertisement after advertisement to make a helluva lot of money.
All in all, I think just wasted 2 hours watching the show last night.
Monday, September 27, 2004
a moment of rest
Finally finished off my Oracle9i assignment and submitted it today. I think I can probably catch some rest tonight. Tomorrow's another fighting day. I'll have to finish my 5k-word paper on globalisation and submit that by Friday. After that, it's slaving all the way for my Java project, which I don't think I can possibly finish, and also my paper on networking. Maybe a day or two of rest after that, then it's cramming for finals. First paper on November 4th. *sigh*
reality v
"The price of getting what you want is getting what once you wanted."
-- Dream, in Sandman:Dream County, by Neil Gaiman.
This is so true. People always want something, and when they get what they want, they want something else.
It's not just about the greediness inherent in everyone, although that is a huge chunk of it. Everyone covets something. It might be a book, a fancy dress, an elegantly designed antique clock, that flashy sports car everyone's talking about, recognition, fame, wealth or even your neighbour's wife. It's always the coveting or wanting that motivates people to strive, but on the other hand, it's also this that makes people greedy and not be satisfied or treasure what they have.
Thus, when you get what you want, you want something else, and what you got became what once you wanted.
Looking at it from another point of view, specifically analyzing what 'price' really mean, the quote takes on a different meaning.
Suppose that you want something real bad. Suppose that something is a woman that you find attractive. You'd do all it takes to get her, to have her as your own and to love her and have her love you back. When you do get her, you find that what attracted you at first wasn't all that important. Or worse yet, you might find out that all that you've seen before was just a facade, an image she projected herself to be just because she wanted you.
Or, suppose that what you want is a car that you've seen and heard so much about. You think that it's the best for you and you strive to get one for yourself. When you finally did, you found that its fuel consumption is too much, the handling isn't as good as you thought it'll be or maybe you saw another car, a new model, in the market that seems so much better than the one you have.
You see, things are not always what it seems, and most people seriously do not understand what they actually want. That's why most of us just trudge along the sometimes muddy road of life looking for that something that might be buried under the mud that we all believe will make the road that much more easier or exciting to walk along. If we'd only look up long enough once in a while, we'll probably know that it really doesn't matter whether you find what you think you're looking for or not, the road is short enough as it is and it'll do you well to just walk along with your head up and eyes in front.
It's not always a happy ending when wishes come true. When you finally get what you've always wanted, you might be disappointed because it wasn't really what you want, or maybe it's not what you want anymore.
-- Dream, in Sandman:Dream County, by Neil Gaiman.
This is so true. People always want something, and when they get what they want, they want something else.
It's not just about the greediness inherent in everyone, although that is a huge chunk of it. Everyone covets something. It might be a book, a fancy dress, an elegantly designed antique clock, that flashy sports car everyone's talking about, recognition, fame, wealth or even your neighbour's wife. It's always the coveting or wanting that motivates people to strive, but on the other hand, it's also this that makes people greedy and not be satisfied or treasure what they have.
Thus, when you get what you want, you want something else, and what you got became what once you wanted.
Looking at it from another point of view, specifically analyzing what 'price' really mean, the quote takes on a different meaning.
Suppose that you want something real bad. Suppose that something is a woman that you find attractive. You'd do all it takes to get her, to have her as your own and to love her and have her love you back. When you do get her, you find that what attracted you at first wasn't all that important. Or worse yet, you might find out that all that you've seen before was just a facade, an image she projected herself to be just because she wanted you.
Or, suppose that what you want is a car that you've seen and heard so much about. You think that it's the best for you and you strive to get one for yourself. When you finally did, you found that its fuel consumption is too much, the handling isn't as good as you thought it'll be or maybe you saw another car, a new model, in the market that seems so much better than the one you have.
You see, things are not always what it seems, and most people seriously do not understand what they actually want. That's why most of us just trudge along the sometimes muddy road of life looking for that something that might be buried under the mud that we all believe will make the road that much more easier or exciting to walk along. If we'd only look up long enough once in a while, we'll probably know that it really doesn't matter whether you find what you think you're looking for or not, the road is short enough as it is and it'll do you well to just walk along with your head up and eyes in front.
It's not always a happy ending when wishes come true. When you finally get what you've always wanted, you might be disappointed because it wasn't really what you want, or maybe it's not what you want anymore.
Friday, September 24, 2004
reality iii
The only thing in the world you can depend on is yourself. That is, if you are really brave enough and willing to do the right thing at the right time.
reality ii
Learn to play with the cards you're dealt. Cheating is allowed if you don't get caught. That's because history is always written by the winners.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
reality i
It's cruel.
Dreams are always sweet and perfect, but you always have to wake up. That's when things get really ugly and you know there's nothing you can do but live with it.
Dreams are always sweet and perfect, but you always have to wake up. That's when things get really ugly and you know there's nothing you can do but live with it.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
missing someone
It's weird how you can miss someone. It could be someone you love, like, hate, barely seen, or just absolutely despise. Maybe it's your classmate(s), or a lover(ex-lover, maybe?), your parents... it's just downright weird.
Sometime you'd suddenly think about a stranger that passed you by in the mall. Maybe it was a cute girl or a hot chick, or maybe someone that has a special, attractive aura, or maybe it's someone with a weird/great fashion sense. Sometimes you might regret not introducing yourself, or you might think what kinda person that was, how he/she is like or maybe what would've happened if you took the chance to say hi.
I think that's a kind of missing someone too. Some people I know would go back to the same place at roughly the same time to see if they can meet the other person again. Some would tell friends that they regret not taking the chance, and that they would've acted differently if given another chance.
Most of the time, I think it's because that you really love someone. When I say love here, I don't mean love as in loving a lover, partner or spouse. Probably just loving someone cos he/she is a true friend. You'd always think about how they're doing or what they're up to. Are they doing better than before? Or maybe they're in trouble?
This is very real, especially when you haven't seen, heard from or talk to the friend in question for a long time. You'd miss seeing his/her smiling face, or the great conversations that you had. I have friends like these. Some of us have so much piled up to be done yesterday, we just couldn't meet up as often as we can. Most of us are hundreds, and even thousands, of miles apart, and so we have to settle with the emails and instant chats, sometimes the occassional "are-you-still-alive-cos-i-am-thinking-of-you" cards. Distance is such a bitch. :P
Then there's kind that everyone likes and are willing to suffer for, thinking that it's part of what happiness is. The kind that applies to lovers and couples and even those that secretly admire someone but are too afraid to admit it, let alone do anything about it.
You'd miss the smiles and the twinkling of the eyes. Their laughter. The tiny little unobtrusive body language that somehow, unknowingly, pulls at your heart everytime you see it, and so you always wait and hope that you'll see it again. The warmth and the feeling of everything falling into place like it's destined when you're together. It's like you'd die if you don't see each other for a day, even though you see each other almost everyday and when you don't, you're always messaging or chatting on the phone. (Or maybe even online...)
Honestly, though, the worst situation would be sitting right next to someone and missing him/her because you know that this is the closest you'd ever get and you could never have him/her. There'd be all sorts of what-if's and if-only's but you'd know, deep down inside, that it'll never be. It's hard to accept that fact, and even though you might somehow think you had accepted it, you'd still wish that it could be more. It's sorta like being so near, but still oceans apart somehow...
"Miles and miles of empty space in between us,
A telephone can't take the place of your smile..."
- When I Need You, Leo Slayer.
Sometime you'd suddenly think about a stranger that passed you by in the mall. Maybe it was a cute girl or a hot chick, or maybe someone that has a special, attractive aura, or maybe it's someone with a weird/great fashion sense. Sometimes you might regret not introducing yourself, or you might think what kinda person that was, how he/she is like or maybe what would've happened if you took the chance to say hi.
I think that's a kind of missing someone too. Some people I know would go back to the same place at roughly the same time to see if they can meet the other person again. Some would tell friends that they regret not taking the chance, and that they would've acted differently if given another chance.
Most of the time, I think it's because that you really love someone. When I say love here, I don't mean love as in loving a lover, partner or spouse. Probably just loving someone cos he/she is a true friend. You'd always think about how they're doing or what they're up to. Are they doing better than before? Or maybe they're in trouble?
This is very real, especially when you haven't seen, heard from or talk to the friend in question for a long time. You'd miss seeing his/her smiling face, or the great conversations that you had. I have friends like these. Some of us have so much piled up to be done yesterday, we just couldn't meet up as often as we can. Most of us are hundreds, and even thousands, of miles apart, and so we have to settle with the emails and instant chats, sometimes the occassional "are-you-still-alive-cos-i-am-thinking-of-you" cards. Distance is such a bitch. :P
Then there's kind that everyone likes and are willing to suffer for, thinking that it's part of what happiness is. The kind that applies to lovers and couples and even those that secretly admire someone but are too afraid to admit it, let alone do anything about it.
You'd miss the smiles and the twinkling of the eyes. Their laughter. The tiny little unobtrusive body language that somehow, unknowingly, pulls at your heart everytime you see it, and so you always wait and hope that you'll see it again. The warmth and the feeling of everything falling into place like it's destined when you're together. It's like you'd die if you don't see each other for a day, even though you see each other almost everyday and when you don't, you're always messaging or chatting on the phone. (Or maybe even online...)
Honestly, though, the worst situation would be sitting right next to someone and missing him/her because you know that this is the closest you'd ever get and you could never have him/her. There'd be all sorts of what-if's and if-only's but you'd know, deep down inside, that it'll never be. It's hard to accept that fact, and even though you might somehow think you had accepted it, you'd still wish that it could be more. It's sorta like being so near, but still oceans apart somehow...
"Miles and miles of empty space in between us,
A telephone can't take the place of your smile..."
- When I Need You, Leo Slayer.
Monday, September 20, 2004
love is
have you ever been in love? horrible isn't it?
it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and
it opens up your heart and it means that someone
can get inside you and mess you up
you build up all these defenses
you build up a whole suit of armor
so that nothing can hurt you
then one stupid person
no different from any other stupid person
wanders into your stupid life
you give them a piece of you
they didn't ask for it
they did something dumb one day
like kiss you or smile at you
and then your life isn't your own anymore
love takes hostages
it gets inside you
it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness
so a simple phrase like
'maybe we should be just friends'
turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart
it hurts
not just in the imagination
not just in the mind
it's a soul-hurt
a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain
//Quoted from Rose Walker in Sandman: The Kindly Ones, by Neil Gaiman
it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and
it opens up your heart and it means that someone
can get inside you and mess you up
you build up all these defenses
you build up a whole suit of armor
so that nothing can hurt you
then one stupid person
no different from any other stupid person
wanders into your stupid life
you give them a piece of you
they didn't ask for it
they did something dumb one day
like kiss you or smile at you
and then your life isn't your own anymore
love takes hostages
it gets inside you
it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness
so a simple phrase like
'maybe we should be just friends'
turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart
it hurts
not just in the imagination
not just in the mind
it's a soul-hurt
a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain
//Quoted from Rose Walker in Sandman: The Kindly Ones, by Neil Gaiman
a sense of belonging
Everything was going fine, and I was just doing what I normally do on Sundays. Helping out at home, cleaning the place and all. Then suddenly it just sorta went like *bang* and I was suddenly depressed. Mainly, after much thought, I'm depressed cos there's no one around, and I started to miss Ling. It's actually quite stupid, and came out of nowhere, but it's still pretty fucking hard to deal with it.
After all these months, and the weeks that the fling ended, I thought I'm all ok with being alone again. Well, up to a certain point I am. Or maybe I'm missing because there really isn't anyone else in my life now. I finally managed to put it into words accurately this morning when I woke up.
It's really the sense of belonging to someone, and to have that someone belonging to you, that I really miss. It's like when you wake up early in the morning and you can just roll over and hug that someone that you love, then fall right back asleep again, feeling contented. Or like hugging someone tight because at that moment it feels like that's all you ever wanna do. Or slaving through all the trials and bullshits of the day, but still able to keep a smile on your face because you know deep down that when you go home and see her, everything will be alright again.
(I'm getting way too sentimental for my own good writing this down, but I really need to get it out of my system. No point keeping everything inside all jumbled up in a mess when I can try and get my thoughts organized and do something about the situation.)
Anyway, it's a sense of belonging that I miss. I'd been going about my life, getting rid of her stuff, concentrating on other things and tried to forget her and everything we've had. I realize now that it doesn't work that way.
Trying to forget is looking back at the past while stumbling along. Sooner or later I'm gonna trip and fall and get all messed up inside, like now. I'd be better off looking forward. If once in a while I looked back, I'll know that I had something good before and most probably I'll find something else in the future.
After all these months, and the weeks that the fling ended, I thought I'm all ok with being alone again. Well, up to a certain point I am. Or maybe I'm missing because there really isn't anyone else in my life now. I finally managed to put it into words accurately this morning when I woke up.
It's really the sense of belonging to someone, and to have that someone belonging to you, that I really miss. It's like when you wake up early in the morning and you can just roll over and hug that someone that you love, then fall right back asleep again, feeling contented. Or like hugging someone tight because at that moment it feels like that's all you ever wanna do. Or slaving through all the trials and bullshits of the day, but still able to keep a smile on your face because you know deep down that when you go home and see her, everything will be alright again.
(I'm getting way too sentimental for my own good writing this down, but I really need to get it out of my system. No point keeping everything inside all jumbled up in a mess when I can try and get my thoughts organized and do something about the situation.)
Anyway, it's a sense of belonging that I miss. I'd been going about my life, getting rid of her stuff, concentrating on other things and tried to forget her and everything we've had. I realize now that it doesn't work that way.
Trying to forget is looking back at the past while stumbling along. Sooner or later I'm gonna trip and fall and get all messed up inside, like now. I'd be better off looking forward. If once in a while I looked back, I'll know that I had something good before and most probably I'll find something else in the future.
Friday, September 17, 2004
ciggie prices
Not high enough. You heard me. NOT HIGH ENOUGH.
I'm probably gonna get killed, but I'm among the few who thinks that cigarette prices should be hiked up more. RM6.50 per pack of 20s is like, chup change. Especially due to the reason that the currenly "high" price was raised little by little over the years.
If we really wanted to stop people from smoking, or at least to lessen smokers and to discourage new smokers, raising the price so slowly is not gonna work. Why? Smokers are gonna get used to the current price after a few months, and when the price is raised agian the next time, they won't feel that it's been raised that much.
Take one of my smoker friends for example. 2 months before the price hike, he expected it to happen and stocked up on cartons and cartons of Dunhill. According to him, it's gonna last him and his dad til sometime next January. Another smoker friend of mine actually cut down on drinks to buy cigarettes. Usually, he'll be paying RM1.50++ for Coke or kopi-ais. Now he's paying 30 sen for iced water or iced tea. Another one just outright said that it doesn't matter cos she's still gonna stick to smoking, blaming work-life pressure and hailing cigarettes as the almighty anti-depressant. I clearly don't see the point of that.
What I do see are all the bad consequences of smoking. The black, shriveled lungs. Bad breath. Burning money. Second hand smoke for everyone around you. And the list goes on and on. Another thing is the smell it leaves on your clothesand hair, especially when you just came out of some poorly ventilated area packed with smokers.
So, to really stop people from smoking, the price should've been hiked around, let's say, 300% at one go. Which would result in about RM16++ for a pack of 20s. Now THAT would seriously cut down the number of smokers.
Of course, that all just wishful thinking. There's no business like tobacco, and the government's earning a lot under the table from it anyway. If I had a digicam, I'd take a picture of all the white unmarked vans and Marlboro pickup trucks jamming the street around here every morning, just to pick up their deliveries to send to places all around Ipoh. That's on helluva sight.
I'm probably gonna get killed, but I'm among the few who thinks that cigarette prices should be hiked up more. RM6.50 per pack of 20s is like, chup change. Especially due to the reason that the currenly "high" price was raised little by little over the years.
If we really wanted to stop people from smoking, or at least to lessen smokers and to discourage new smokers, raising the price so slowly is not gonna work. Why? Smokers are gonna get used to the current price after a few months, and when the price is raised agian the next time, they won't feel that it's been raised that much.
Take one of my smoker friends for example. 2 months before the price hike, he expected it to happen and stocked up on cartons and cartons of Dunhill. According to him, it's gonna last him and his dad til sometime next January. Another smoker friend of mine actually cut down on drinks to buy cigarettes. Usually, he'll be paying RM1.50++ for Coke or kopi-ais. Now he's paying 30 sen for iced water or iced tea. Another one just outright said that it doesn't matter cos she's still gonna stick to smoking, blaming work-life pressure and hailing cigarettes as the almighty anti-depressant. I clearly don't see the point of that.
What I do see are all the bad consequences of smoking. The black, shriveled lungs. Bad breath. Burning money. Second hand smoke for everyone around you. And the list goes on and on. Another thing is the smell it leaves on your clothesand hair, especially when you just came out of some poorly ventilated area packed with smokers.
So, to really stop people from smoking, the price should've been hiked around, let's say, 300% at one go. Which would result in about RM16++ for a pack of 20s. Now THAT would seriously cut down the number of smokers.
Of course, that all just wishful thinking. There's no business like tobacco, and the government's earning a lot under the table from it anyway. If I had a digicam, I'd take a picture of all the white unmarked vans and Marlboro pickup trucks jamming the street around here every morning, just to pick up their deliveries to send to places all around Ipoh. That's on helluva sight.
new layout. again.
Sometimes I really wonder why the hell I got into my line of work. I enjoy designing more than what I actually do. So, in the midst of "supposedly busy trying to finish my assignments", I ended up redesigning the blog layout. Indirectly, this may help a bit in the page designing for my adv. Java project, but not by much. The best thing now is that I can simply drag my layout objects around to suit any backgrounds that I change into.
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RESOLUTIONS:
1. Finish SQL assignment by Monday.
2. Start pol paper on Monday, and hopefully finish within the week.
3. Slave my ass off for Java.
-----
I wanna bitch about my manager.
First off, she should've retired ages ago. Better yet, she shouldn't have been hired at all. I mean, why would you hire someone from a company that you just bought over because of financial problems, especially when the same someone is more or less responsible for said problems, being the person in charge of all expenses and budgets?
Since July last year, we've been moving whole labs around. "Around" means to another block of building about 50 meters away, and back. "Labs" mean 40+ full sets of PCs, complete with chairs and huge ass ancient crumbling computer tables. So, to and fro, there's been around 4 trips each way. Now she's bugging us to move them back again. Well, not me actually, cos I think she's kinda afraid of me or something.
The point is, with a little (REAL) planning, the moving wouldn't have been needed, and we wouldn't have lost out on around RM160k of business in the blink of an eye. At this point, I am gonna ignore the fact that we never had a chance for that business deal from the start, due to certain insider news that I happen to know but my manager was to ignorant to listen to.
How can someone be the head (well, almost) of a company (branch, really), and not assert authority anyway? I mean, yes, it's right to maintain a good relationship with your staff and colleagues and clients blah~, but there should be a line drawn clearly. When a manager has his/her staff making inapproriate demands, stepping way over his/her head, and nothing is done to discipline/reprimand the staff, then it's really sad to have this person managing the company.
While I'm at this, how many company/managers will ask their staff to raise a purchase requisition for something with a price tag to RM30-50?! What the fuck happened to the petty cash anyway?
Come to think of it, half of the blame that we're doing bad should go to the sales manager. Another bitch who doesn't even know what management is, and only got to her position because of her MBA.
Ironic, that. An MBA that doesn't know management. I'm not the first one to question her knowledge and ability in management though, the first was the sales director from the corporate office. He did that right in front of everyone, and I can't help but see quite a few of those present hiding smiles unsuccessfully.
Besides treating your sales staff right so that they'll stay and work, I think a sales manager should also set down rules on sales ethics and do sufficient market research to see how trends and prices are going. Rules she set, but poorly enforced, as almost all the sales staff only cares for their own commission, selling products without thinking whether it can be delivered as promised.
As for market research, zilch. Prices are set so much higher than what other people are offering (and delivering more too), that it's a joke to even try to compare our products with those in the market. I once heard a staff, who knows well about current market prices, asking the sales manager whether she knew about the ultra-low price some other company was offering, and her response was "Ya meh?!", et verbatim.
*phew* If I could bitch about my company and submit that as my 5000 word politics essay, I'll already be done with it. There are so much more to bitch about, but I'm seriously out of breath.
I just hope that I'll be done with my degree this sem, and move somewhere else.
-----
RESOLUTIONS:
1. Finish SQL assignment by Monday.
2. Start pol paper on Monday, and hopefully finish within the week.
3. Slave my ass off for Java.
-----
I wanna bitch about my manager.
First off, she should've retired ages ago. Better yet, she shouldn't have been hired at all. I mean, why would you hire someone from a company that you just bought over because of financial problems, especially when the same someone is more or less responsible for said problems, being the person in charge of all expenses and budgets?
Since July last year, we've been moving whole labs around. "Around" means to another block of building about 50 meters away, and back. "Labs" mean 40+ full sets of PCs, complete with chairs and huge ass ancient crumbling computer tables. So, to and fro, there's been around 4 trips each way. Now she's bugging us to move them back again. Well, not me actually, cos I think she's kinda afraid of me or something.
The point is, with a little (REAL) planning, the moving wouldn't have been needed, and we wouldn't have lost out on around RM160k of business in the blink of an eye. At this point, I am gonna ignore the fact that we never had a chance for that business deal from the start, due to certain insider news that I happen to know but my manager was to ignorant to listen to.
How can someone be the head (well, almost) of a company (branch, really), and not assert authority anyway? I mean, yes, it's right to maintain a good relationship with your staff and colleagues and clients blah~, but there should be a line drawn clearly. When a manager has his/her staff making inapproriate demands, stepping way over his/her head, and nothing is done to discipline/reprimand the staff, then it's really sad to have this person managing the company.
While I'm at this, how many company/managers will ask their staff to raise a purchase requisition for something with a price tag to RM30-50?! What the fuck happened to the petty cash anyway?
Come to think of it, half of the blame that we're doing bad should go to the sales manager. Another bitch who doesn't even know what management is, and only got to her position because of her MBA.
Ironic, that. An MBA that doesn't know management. I'm not the first one to question her knowledge and ability in management though, the first was the sales director from the corporate office. He did that right in front of everyone, and I can't help but see quite a few of those present hiding smiles unsuccessfully.
Besides treating your sales staff right so that they'll stay and work, I think a sales manager should also set down rules on sales ethics and do sufficient market research to see how trends and prices are going. Rules she set, but poorly enforced, as almost all the sales staff only cares for their own commission, selling products without thinking whether it can be delivered as promised.
As for market research, zilch. Prices are set so much higher than what other people are offering (and delivering more too), that it's a joke to even try to compare our products with those in the market. I once heard a staff, who knows well about current market prices, asking the sales manager whether she knew about the ultra-low price some other company was offering, and her response was "Ya meh?!", et verbatim.
*phew* If I could bitch about my company and submit that as my 5000 word politics essay, I'll already be done with it. There are so much more to bitch about, but I'm seriously out of breath.
I just hope that I'll be done with my degree this sem, and move somewhere else.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
more things to do
The last few days came and went in a hurry. It wasn't that I had a lot to do, or that I did a lot, but somehow when I try to think up on what I did, nothing much comes up. I'm definitely sure it's not amnesia, I've probably just been wasting too much time.
Spent most of my weekend working and playing games. Doom 3 is still pretty fucking intense, even though I'm almost done with 1/3 of the game. The main complain I have about it is the overwhelming amount of shadows and dark places. This and the fact that you can't hold a flash light when you're holding a gun makes it kinda dumb. What's the point of having such good visual treats and graphics for a game so good, when most of the time you're shooting in the dark and hoping you manage to hit something?? There are some mods up on the net that lets you sorta tie the flash light to the gun. I think I'm gonna look those up and try them out.
------
After killing my WinXP installation somehow, I had to redo the whole PC. Took me a night to reinstall XP, all my other apps and utils, games, and tweaking the whole thing to my liking. Then I ended up desk-modding it again. This time, I managed to find myself a copy of Y'z Dock, so the desktop ended up totally different. Kinda looks like a Mac. :)
I got so addicted to the look, I modded the PC in my office too.
Anyway, I had to make my own icons for games, since I needed to create a batch file to shutdown the dock before launching games, and to restart the dock when I'm done playing. Did OK with the icons for Doom3 and NWN, but the one for NFSU kinda suck. The original "wheel" icon, I couldn't find anything that looks similar enough for me to change it, and I'm totally not good with drawing/rendering 3d stuff. *sigh*
-------
Since the deadline for my pol assignment has been extended, I can now concentrate on getting things done for bro first.
Already checked out the best source in Ipoh for new and used comics, and also the best place here for foreign mags, especially those from China, Taiwan and HongKong. Gonna have to check out a few of the other shops too.
Still more to checkout are Chinese romance novels, old school 武侠小说, mags and maybe some of the older comics too. I'll probably need some input from the market in UK for this. Can't possible just simply get stuff if they might end up gathering dust and wasting money over there.
Postal/shipping charges too. Those are gonna be so much more expensive than the books. Sheesh. Not to mention I'll have to find some way to move the books around... How I wish I had a car. Dammit.
Spent most of my weekend working and playing games. Doom 3 is still pretty fucking intense, even though I'm almost done with 1/3 of the game. The main complain I have about it is the overwhelming amount of shadows and dark places. This and the fact that you can't hold a flash light when you're holding a gun makes it kinda dumb. What's the point of having such good visual treats and graphics for a game so good, when most of the time you're shooting in the dark and hoping you manage to hit something?? There are some mods up on the net that lets you sorta tie the flash light to the gun. I think I'm gonna look those up and try them out.
------
After killing my WinXP installation somehow, I had to redo the whole PC. Took me a night to reinstall XP, all my other apps and utils, games, and tweaking the whole thing to my liking. Then I ended up desk-modding it again. This time, I managed to find myself a copy of Y'z Dock, so the desktop ended up totally different. Kinda looks like a Mac. :)
I got so addicted to the look, I modded the PC in my office too.
Anyway, I had to make my own icons for games, since I needed to create a batch file to shutdown the dock before launching games, and to restart the dock when I'm done playing. Did OK with the icons for Doom3 and NWN, but the one for NFSU kinda suck. The original "wheel" icon, I couldn't find anything that looks similar enough for me to change it, and I'm totally not good with drawing/rendering 3d stuff. *sigh*
-------
Since the deadline for my pol assignment has been extended, I can now concentrate on getting things done for bro first.
Already checked out the best source in Ipoh for new and used comics, and also the best place here for foreign mags, especially those from China, Taiwan and HongKong. Gonna have to check out a few of the other shops too.
Still more to checkout are Chinese romance novels, old school 武侠小说, mags and maybe some of the older comics too. I'll probably need some input from the market in UK for this. Can't possible just simply get stuff if they might end up gathering dust and wasting money over there.
Postal/shipping charges too. Those are gonna be so much more expensive than the books. Sheesh. Not to mention I'll have to find some way to move the books around... How I wish I had a car. Dammit.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
fucked up sinchew
Been slaving for the last 2 weeks getting 4 labs ready for the stupid SinChew Daily quiz thingy. So when today, THE day, came by, I thought that everything would go smooth and I can get home early. Hell, I didn't even wanna be here in office after 1pm on a Saturday. Fuck it.
Anyhow, this organizers came late, the participants came late, everything was messy and so the whole thing started around 10-15mins late. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be a problem, but this time the quiz was supposed to last only for 30mins.
Then SinChew's crappy quiz software fucks up some PCs, and I had to fix them while the students are on. By 3:30pm, quite a few groups (there were 120+) were done, amidst remarks along the line of "Why do the questions look familiar?" "Looks kinda like last year's..."
True enough, a phone call from SinChew HQ in KL confirmed it. They fucking sent last year's quiz questions instead of sending the right one!! Fucking HELL!! How the fuck can these people screw up like this?! It's a fucking national event for christ's sakes!!
Then we had to stop the participants from leaving. Quite a few of them have plans with their families for the weekend, or came from out of town and needed to get back. All this, in chaos, with the sales team trying to salvage the mess, and we still had to wait almost 1/2 hour for the SinChew HQ to give directives on what is to be done next.
We were all like, since the wrong questions had been sent nationwide, either just go ahead and use those questions, or set another date to redo the whole thing. In the end, we had to download the right questions, reinstall them into the PCs (4 LABS!!!) and let the quiz start all over again. By that time, some of the participants already left.
So we got everything done within 1/2 hour after we got the new questions. Soon some of the groups were done, again. And again, another call from SinChew. Seems like they finally think that this is not fair/legit/whatever, and decided to cancel the whole damn thing now, and then set a new date to redo the whole fucking quiz. Great fucking god!!!
SinChew Daily is supposed to be the biggest Chinese daily newspaper in the country and stuff like this can happen!! Dammit. I actually wasted my whole day for nothing and I'll probably have to redo every damn thing again soon.
Anyhow, this organizers came late, the participants came late, everything was messy and so the whole thing started around 10-15mins late. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be a problem, but this time the quiz was supposed to last only for 30mins.
Then SinChew's crappy quiz software fucks up some PCs, and I had to fix them while the students are on. By 3:30pm, quite a few groups (there were 120+) were done, amidst remarks along the line of "Why do the questions look familiar?" "Looks kinda like last year's..."
True enough, a phone call from SinChew HQ in KL confirmed it. They fucking sent last year's quiz questions instead of sending the right one!! Fucking HELL!! How the fuck can these people screw up like this?! It's a fucking national event for christ's sakes!!
Then we had to stop the participants from leaving. Quite a few of them have plans with their families for the weekend, or came from out of town and needed to get back. All this, in chaos, with the sales team trying to salvage the mess, and we still had to wait almost 1/2 hour for the SinChew HQ to give directives on what is to be done next.
We were all like, since the wrong questions had been sent nationwide, either just go ahead and use those questions, or set another date to redo the whole thing. In the end, we had to download the right questions, reinstall them into the PCs (4 LABS!!!) and let the quiz start all over again. By that time, some of the participants already left.
So we got everything done within 1/2 hour after we got the new questions. Soon some of the groups were done, again. And again, another call from SinChew. Seems like they finally think that this is not fair/legit/whatever, and decided to cancel the whole damn thing now, and then set a new date to redo the whole fucking quiz. Great fucking god!!!
SinChew Daily is supposed to be the biggest Chinese daily newspaper in the country and stuff like this can happen!! Dammit. I actually wasted my whole day for nothing and I'll probably have to redo every damn thing again soon.
Wednesday, September 8, 2004
headaches
1) Pendidilan Moral exam. This is done, just got over it, so I'm gonna consider it cured for the time being. Unless I failed, being the immoral person that I am.
2) Another fucking GBS assignment. This time about whether globalisation is to blame for all those bad influences to society and some shit like that. Due next Thursday. Big fucking headache.
3) Everything about the aircon should be done this afternoon. That means I have to vacuum, clean and mop the whole upstairs when I get home from work today. Fuck. I just wanna lie down.
4) Can't believe that it hasn't been that long since I've got laid. Fuck.
5) Java and Oracle assignments. God fucking dammit.
6) $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ So damned much to buy...
7) Working throughout this weekend = less time for assignments.
8) My ancient 7650 is dying. The keypad's pretty fucked up and hard to press now.
9) It's been 2-3 months and I still can't find hacked versions of WB, DesktopX, Y'z Docks etc.
10) Almost time to switch to a new workout routine. I wonder whether I can really get someone installed as a chinup bar at home. And probably an inclined bench too. Or maybe a swiss ball.
11) Run? Or basketball?
12) Work is getting seriously pointless and boring. The company's going down the drain for sure. Fucked up management and bad reputation are most efficient killers.
13) Need to get a new job. I'd leave even before I finish my degree if the new one pays well enough. $$$$$$$$!!!!!
2) Another fucking GBS assignment. This time about whether globalisation is to blame for all those bad influences to society and some shit like that. Due next Thursday. Big fucking headache.
3) Everything about the aircon should be done this afternoon. That means I have to vacuum, clean and mop the whole upstairs when I get home from work today. Fuck. I just wanna lie down.
4) Can't believe that it hasn't been that long since I've got laid. Fuck.
5) Java and Oracle assignments. God fucking dammit.
6) $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ So damned much to buy...
7) Working throughout this weekend = less time for assignments.
8) My ancient 7650 is dying. The keypad's pretty fucked up and hard to press now.
9) It's been 2-3 months and I still can't find hacked versions of WB, DesktopX, Y'z Docks etc.
10) Almost time to switch to a new workout routine. I wonder whether I can really get someone installed as a chinup bar at home. And probably an inclined bench too. Or maybe a swiss ball.
11) Run? Or basketball?
12) Work is getting seriously pointless and boring. The company's going down the drain for sure. Fucked up management and bad reputation are most efficient killers.
13) Need to get a new job. I'd leave even before I finish my degree if the new one pays well enough. $$$$$$$$!!!!!
Tuesday, September 7, 2004
suicide
Hell, that's probably more or less what I'm doing. No, I don't mean literally killing myself. What I mean is that I'm probably gonna die real bad in my studies this term if I don't shape up NOW. I'm just gonna blame everything on Doom3 now.
It's a freaking great game. The graphics are still pretty decent, even when I have to play on the lowest possible settings ever(!!), since my PC, especially the graphics card, is extremely outdated. Very freaky ambient sounds ("Give me back my baby~~~!!"), lotsa shadows and extremely dark environments, where zombies and monsters jumped out at you when you least expect them to. I have yet to play it with my headphone on instead of my speakers, it'll probably be much scarier that way.
Anyway, instead of playing games and thinking of getting laid, I should really concentrate on my assignments. There're all queued up freaking near to each other from now til mid October. I've got tons to read up on before I can do the GBS one, tons to learn for advanced Java, shitload of codes for both Java and Oracle9i, not to mention a whole semester's worth of reading up for the networking subject.
Now that I seriously list everything down, I feel more of the shadow of impending doom!! Dammit. I really need to start doing something useful.
On a brighter note, I finally got an aircon in my room. Hell yeah cos it's much better for hot afternoons; oh shit cos the electricity bills gonna burn a much bigger hole through my paycheck than it already is. Since I already settled the bill for this month, I'll know how bad it'll get when the next bill arrives.
Hopefully everything for the aircon is done when I get home today, so I can clean up my room and stuff. Things have been moved into a corner these few days. Although having the PC right next to my bed is cool for watching movies, I'd rather have my space back.
It's a freaking great game. The graphics are still pretty decent, even when I have to play on the lowest possible settings ever(!!), since my PC, especially the graphics card, is extremely outdated. Very freaky ambient sounds ("Give me back my baby~~~!!"), lotsa shadows and extremely dark environments, where zombies and monsters jumped out at you when you least expect them to. I have yet to play it with my headphone on instead of my speakers, it'll probably be much scarier that way.
Anyway, instead of playing games and thinking of getting laid, I should really concentrate on my assignments. There're all queued up freaking near to each other from now til mid October. I've got tons to read up on before I can do the GBS one, tons to learn for advanced Java, shitload of codes for both Java and Oracle9i, not to mention a whole semester's worth of reading up for the networking subject.
Now that I seriously list everything down, I feel more of the shadow of impending doom!! Dammit. I really need to start doing something useful.
On a brighter note, I finally got an aircon in my room. Hell yeah cos it's much better for hot afternoons; oh shit cos the electricity bills gonna burn a much bigger hole through my paycheck than it already is. Since I already settled the bill for this month, I'll know how bad it'll get when the next bill arrives.
Hopefully everything for the aircon is done when I get home today, so I can clean up my room and stuff. Things have been moved into a corner these few days. Although having the PC right next to my bed is cool for watching movies, I'd rather have my space back.
Thursday, September 2, 2004
what does it mean?
I used to chat online a lot, an honest to god example of a chat addict. Stopped sometime in 2000, because I suddenly got tired of it. I still dunno what that means, but here are some thoughts about online chat:
* What does it mean when you messaged and said hello to a stranger, and the first response you get is a/s/l/r? Does it mean that if I weren't labeled an M/F, you won't chat with me? Especially since if I'm not located near you, or at a specific age range, since all these grouped together means that I'm not your potential (cyber) sex partner?
* What does it mean when someone goes offline, or goes into hiding when they see you online? Is it always a coincidence? Or are you being ignored? Because you did something bad?
* What does it mean when you kept buggering someone online for they're pic? Does it mean that if he/she didn't look up to your standards you wouldn't keep in contact? Or is it because you wanted to verify whether all your fantasies about that person is true?
* What does it mean when that person doesn't wanna send you the pic? Does it really mean he/she is butt ugly? Maybe what you've said revealed that you have certain fantasies about that person, but he/she is the total opposite? Or would it be because it's just a simple privacy issue? Maybe he/she doesn't even have a scanned pic around...
* What does it mean to have a cyber-relationship? Do you pretend you don't know each other if you met in real life? I can't never figure this out, since I'd never believed nor tried it..
And since the ball's rolling...
* What does it mean to be there for someone, always? How exactly do you "be there", when the other person is thousands of miles away, and a phone call won't suffice? Or maybe you're "there" by his/her side, but would it really help? Would you really be able to understand what the person's going through? Always?
* What does it mean to love someone? What kinda sacrifice will you make? What do you hope for in return? Are you conciously thinking of this? Or do you really want nothing in return, nothing at all? If so, does that mean you can really love someone, and see that someone love and be happy with someone else? Wouldn't you be happier if you knew that the person is happy because of you, instead of someone else?
* What does it mean to love someone forever? Will you love that someone even if betrayed? Again, and again, and again? Will you love that someone if they changed? Will you if they don't love you anymore? Will you, if they hurt you, over and over again?
* What does forever mean anyway? Is it really forever and ever? Til the end of time? Til you die? Til things changed? Til you got tired? Or til the other person got tired?
* What does it mean to not love someone anymore? How much time do you need to know if it's true? Or would you really know? Or does it mean that you can just turn it off, like turning off a light, or water from a tap? Does it mean that the person really doesn't mean anything to you anymore?
OK, I'm hungry now. Thinking hurts. I need lunch.
* What does it mean when you messaged and said hello to a stranger, and the first response you get is a/s/l/r? Does it mean that if I weren't labeled an M/F, you won't chat with me? Especially since if I'm not located near you, or at a specific age range, since all these grouped together means that I'm not your potential (cyber) sex partner?
* What does it mean when someone goes offline, or goes into hiding when they see you online? Is it always a coincidence? Or are you being ignored? Because you did something bad?
* What does it mean when you kept buggering someone online for they're pic? Does it mean that if he/she didn't look up to your standards you wouldn't keep in contact? Or is it because you wanted to verify whether all your fantasies about that person is true?
* What does it mean when that person doesn't wanna send you the pic? Does it really mean he/she is butt ugly? Maybe what you've said revealed that you have certain fantasies about that person, but he/she is the total opposite? Or would it be because it's just a simple privacy issue? Maybe he/she doesn't even have a scanned pic around...
* What does it mean to have a cyber-relationship? Do you pretend you don't know each other if you met in real life? I can't never figure this out, since I'd never believed nor tried it..
And since the ball's rolling...
* What does it mean to be there for someone, always? How exactly do you "be there", when the other person is thousands of miles away, and a phone call won't suffice? Or maybe you're "there" by his/her side, but would it really help? Would you really be able to understand what the person's going through? Always?
* What does it mean to love someone? What kinda sacrifice will you make? What do you hope for in return? Are you conciously thinking of this? Or do you really want nothing in return, nothing at all? If so, does that mean you can really love someone, and see that someone love and be happy with someone else? Wouldn't you be happier if you knew that the person is happy because of you, instead of someone else?
* What does it mean to love someone forever? Will you love that someone even if betrayed? Again, and again, and again? Will you love that someone if they changed? Will you if they don't love you anymore? Will you, if they hurt you, over and over again?
* What does forever mean anyway? Is it really forever and ever? Til the end of time? Til you die? Til things changed? Til you got tired? Or til the other person got tired?
* What does it mean to not love someone anymore? How much time do you need to know if it's true? Or would you really know? Or does it mean that you can just turn it off, like turning off a light, or water from a tap? Does it mean that the person really doesn't mean anything to you anymore?
OK, I'm hungry now. Thinking hurts. I need lunch.
Monday, August 30, 2004
tidying up
Been spending the whole weekend tidying up my room. Well, truth is, I've been more or less doing that since the break up, it just became more urgent to do so now.
My bro's gonna be back from UK sometime either end of this year or early next year. The room I'm in now is originally his, I just sorta took it when I got back 3+ years ago. I was thinking of moving back to my old room, which is so fucking small, it's less than half the size of my office. Mom wanted to move to the small room though, since it's at the back of the house, quieter than the master bedroom. Which means bro's gonna be in the master bedroom, and I don't have to move.
Tidying up though, is a must, since we'll be installing air-cons upstairs in the bedrooms this coming weekend. Great chance for me to throw out the junk that I've been keeping all this time. And also some stuff that I probably should've done something about during the break up.
Anyway, "some stuff" was really around. A document folder, a coloring book that we used to play with when we first got together, candles and scented josticks, some glow-in-the-dark stars and stuff... I packed it all up, including the photo of us that I left in a drawer in my office, and brought everything back to her.
Actually, when I did that, I already made up my mind to seriously try to let the whole thing go. I was planning on just dumping it at her dad's shop, near my work place. I ended up bumping into her with her boyfriend. My timing couldn't have been worst. I really didn't need to see that. Still, it didn't feel as bad as I thought it would, and I'm glad for that.
On the bright side of things, I'm gonna have aircon in my room by this Saturday night!! Yeah, I've been living all these years without and aircon in my bedroom. That, and the all-year-long hot weather in Malaysia, really screwed up my PC. I usually have it running at over 60C on hot afternoons. GGrRRrrr...
My bro's gonna be back from UK sometime either end of this year or early next year. The room I'm in now is originally his, I just sorta took it when I got back 3+ years ago. I was thinking of moving back to my old room, which is so fucking small, it's less than half the size of my office. Mom wanted to move to the small room though, since it's at the back of the house, quieter than the master bedroom. Which means bro's gonna be in the master bedroom, and I don't have to move.
Tidying up though, is a must, since we'll be installing air-cons upstairs in the bedrooms this coming weekend. Great chance for me to throw out the junk that I've been keeping all this time. And also some stuff that I probably should've done something about during the break up.
Anyway, "some stuff" was really around. A document folder, a coloring book that we used to play with when we first got together, candles and scented josticks, some glow-in-the-dark stars and stuff... I packed it all up, including the photo of us that I left in a drawer in my office, and brought everything back to her.
Actually, when I did that, I already made up my mind to seriously try to let the whole thing go. I was planning on just dumping it at her dad's shop, near my work place. I ended up bumping into her with her boyfriend. My timing couldn't have been worst. I really didn't need to see that. Still, it didn't feel as bad as I thought it would, and I'm glad for that.
On the bright side of things, I'm gonna have aircon in my room by this Saturday night!! Yeah, I've been living all these years without and aircon in my bedroom. That, and the all-year-long hot weather in Malaysia, really screwed up my PC. I usually have it running at over 60C on hot afternoons. GGrRRrrr...
don't wait
Got this poem from an email. Quite true, so I just put it here.
Don't wait
Don't wait for a smile to be nice..
Don't wait to be loved, to love.
Don't wait to be lonely, to recognize the value of a friend.
Don't wait for the best job, to begin to work.
Don't wait to have a lot, to share a bit.
Don't wait for the fall, to remember the advice.
Don't wait for despair, to believe in prayer.
Don't wait to have time, to be able to serve.
Don't wait for anybody else's pain, to ask for apologies...
neither seperation to make it up.
Don't wait... Because you don't know how long it will take.
Don't wait
Don't wait for a smile to be nice..
Don't wait to be loved, to love.
Don't wait to be lonely, to recognize the value of a friend.
Don't wait for the best job, to begin to work.
Don't wait to have a lot, to share a bit.
Don't wait for the fall, to remember the advice.
Don't wait for despair, to believe in prayer.
Don't wait to have time, to be able to serve.
Don't wait for anybody else's pain, to ask for apologies...
neither seperation to make it up.
Don't wait... Because you don't know how long it will take.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
anti-social
Feeling kinda anti-social lately. I should be out there partying. National Day's on Tuesday, most people are already on leave since yesterday, vacationing somewhere. I'm still stuck here working on a Sunday, still have to work til 7pm tomorrow night, probably not gonna go for any countdowns, and will drown myself in Java codes on Tuesday.
Days like these, or should I say holidays like these, keep reminding me that I still haven't totally let go of my ex, and that before I do so, having fun is kinda over-shadowed by the fact that she's not around.
Everyone else of my friends say that it'll help if I found someone else. That doesn't really work, as I have no idea how I'd be able to find someone else before I can totally get her out of my mind. Plus, the fact that I'm being anti-social because of all the things in my mind doesn't help either.
I broke up with her, somehow, around the same time that quite a few of my friends broke up with their boyfriends/girlfriends. By now, they're almost all attached again. That's kinda shitty, no matter how I look at it. Maybe I should really learn how to be a heartless bastard, all over again. That'll be good for me.
So now, I'm still gonna drown myself in Java code. I really need to get this done.
Days like these, or should I say holidays like these, keep reminding me that I still haven't totally let go of my ex, and that before I do so, having fun is kinda over-shadowed by the fact that she's not around.
Everyone else of my friends say that it'll help if I found someone else. That doesn't really work, as I have no idea how I'd be able to find someone else before I can totally get her out of my mind. Plus, the fact that I'm being anti-social because of all the things in my mind doesn't help either.
I broke up with her, somehow, around the same time that quite a few of my friends broke up with their boyfriends/girlfriends. By now, they're almost all attached again. That's kinda shitty, no matter how I look at it. Maybe I should really learn how to be a heartless bastard, all over again. That'll be good for me.
So now, I'm still gonna drown myself in Java code. I really need to get this done.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
hell yeah
Finally found the root of the problem I was having with the proxy server, and Firefox running on client machines. All the while, I thought it was a problem with Wingate. Seems like it's just that the DNS server ip I was using from my ISP is outdated. Tried a new one and now everything works fine.
I can finally use my favourite browser now. All hail Firefox!!
I can finally use my favourite browser now. All hail Firefox!!
jackass
The movie, actually. I know it's old and I've seen the video clips lying around on the net. Most of them are actually more towards stupid/disgusting/offensive/disturbed than being funny, but somehow I was laughing through the whole 70+ minutes of the movie. Well, most of it. I was pretty grossed out when the fella actually ate and ice cone that he just peed on. The part where this dude deliberately papercut the webbings on his hands and feet (what are those called anyway?) was just plain stupid.
Come to think of it, this movie (if one can really call it that) is an honest approach to being funny (or a choice of stupid/disgusting/offensive/disturbed) than most stupid comedies out there. For instance, Stephen Chow films. Downright silly, but all the while pretending that the movies actually have a deeper meaning. I still can't understand why the hell Shaolin Soccer got awards.
When I used to watch his films, I usually forget about the whole things right after the show's over. Seriously, there's no meaning to it. Exactly like Jackass. Which is the reason why these idiots doing things that normal people wouldn't do, and having fun doing them, is honestly funnier than Stephen Chow.
I kinda think that most of the stunts (read:stupid things) they do are what most people, at least American teenagers, would've thought of doing. Eg: riding a golf cart like a bumper car; put an alligator in the kitchen to scare the shit outta the parents, etc. Thing is, these jackasses dared to do it. I wonder what kinda trouble they got themselves into filming this. Especially the dancing-in-a-thong-in-the-streets-of-Tokyo part. Or the shit-in-a-furniture-store stunt.
All-in-all, the movie was funny.
Come to think of it, this movie (if one can really call it that) is an honest approach to being funny (or a choice of stupid/disgusting/offensive/disturbed) than most stupid comedies out there. For instance, Stephen Chow films. Downright silly, but all the while pretending that the movies actually have a deeper meaning. I still can't understand why the hell Shaolin Soccer got awards.
When I used to watch his films, I usually forget about the whole things right after the show's over. Seriously, there's no meaning to it. Exactly like Jackass. Which is the reason why these idiots doing things that normal people wouldn't do, and having fun doing them, is honestly funnier than Stephen Chow.
I kinda think that most of the stunts (read:stupid things) they do are what most people, at least American teenagers, would've thought of doing. Eg: riding a golf cart like a bumper car; put an alligator in the kitchen to scare the shit outta the parents, etc. Thing is, these jackasses dared to do it. I wonder what kinda trouble they got themselves into filming this. Especially the dancing-in-a-thong-in-the-streets-of-Tokyo part. Or the shit-in-a-furniture-store stunt.
All-in-all, the movie was funny.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
stuck
Still very much stuck in getting the proxy to work. As of now, I can't log into my Google Mail at all. Can't use Firefox either, since whatever I try to reload doesn't reload at all. Basically stuck with hated IE, once more.
Stuck with my Java assignment too. Going nowhere with it. Since I'm gonna be stuck in Ipoh this weekend and early next week, I'm probably gonna work night and day on it.
Stuck in Heliopolis playing NWN. Shadows in Heliopolis is a great module, although the main town area loads pretty damn slow and is laggy on my PC due to the huge amount of scripts running. Currently stuck, dunno what to do next and I can't seem to solve the ruined tower quest, even though I've finished everything in the tower.
Stuck with my Java assignment too. Going nowhere with it. Since I'm gonna be stuck in Ipoh this weekend and early next week, I'm probably gonna work night and day on it.
Stuck in Heliopolis playing NWN. Shadows in Heliopolis is a great module, although the main town area loads pretty damn slow and is laggy on my PC due to the huge amount of scripts running. Currently stuck, dunno what to do next and I can't seem to solve the ruined tower quest, even though I've finished everything in the tower.
Monday, August 23, 2004
updated
Been away for a while, gonna bitch about a lot of stuff now.
First off, new design. Basically did this so that it looks kinda like how my modded desktop in the office looks. All grey, simple, minimalistic yet functional. Also did it to try out the pixel-border table deisngs. This is the final one that I settled on.
Had been slaving all throught the weekend to fix the company server. Well, actually not the whole weekend, since I just threw everything down and left them to my colleague on Saturday. Big mistake there. The fella really dunno shit about anything, and I ended up doing everything myself when I came in at noon today.
It's all working now, faster internet access than before. Problems left include resetting up of all the ban lists before I can let the labs have access, how to tell my superior in KL that the Cisco firewall might have burnt, the server seems set on overheating in time if the cooling system is not improved and also the why-the-hell-the-Lotus-Domino-doesn't-work problem.
Who am I kidding? We don't even have a proper cooling system for the server room. Something I've been bugging my manager to implement, complete with costing and shit, all given to her and the only thing she can say is "Let's put a National fan in there".
Well, the new PC I'm using for a server there just overheated twice this evening. Now it's running without any covers. I don't even wanna think what'll happen if the place wasn't dust free. Freaking idiotic management.
Susi: stop going to his place.
First off, new design. Basically did this so that it looks kinda like how my modded desktop in the office looks. All grey, simple, minimalistic yet functional. Also did it to try out the pixel-border table deisngs. This is the final one that I settled on.
Had been slaving all throught the weekend to fix the company server. Well, actually not the whole weekend, since I just threw everything down and left them to my colleague on Saturday. Big mistake there. The fella really dunno shit about anything, and I ended up doing everything myself when I came in at noon today.
It's all working now, faster internet access than before. Problems left include resetting up of all the ban lists before I can let the labs have access, how to tell my superior in KL that the Cisco firewall might have burnt, the server seems set on overheating in time if the cooling system is not improved and also the why-the-hell-the-Lotus-Domino-doesn't-work problem.
Who am I kidding? We don't even have a proper cooling system for the server room. Something I've been bugging my manager to implement, complete with costing and shit, all given to her and the only thing she can say is "Let's put a National fan in there".
Well, the new PC I'm using for a server there just overheated twice this evening. Now it's running without any covers. I don't even wanna think what'll happen if the place wasn't dust free. Freaking idiotic management.
Susi: stop going to his place.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
just being stupid
I asked if you'd be there for me,
and hold me when I cried.
You said you would, always,
until the day I died.
I asked if you'd love me,
with all your heart and soul.
You said you would, with time,
you'd prove that it is so.
I swore to be honest with you,
and hoped you'd do the same.
What I did not realize,
you thought it's just a game.
I still wish to hold your hand,
until we're wrinkled and old;
to walk on soft white sand,
to have you and to hold.
But now you've turned your back on me,
and left me with this pain.
Something died in me, you see.
Without you, my heart will never live again.
--------
I suck at poetry, so sue me.
and hold me when I cried.
You said you would, always,
until the day I died.
I asked if you'd love me,
with all your heart and soul.
You said you would, with time,
you'd prove that it is so.
I swore to be honest with you,
and hoped you'd do the same.
What I did not realize,
you thought it's just a game.
I still wish to hold your hand,
until we're wrinkled and old;
to walk on soft white sand,
to have you and to hold.
But now you've turned your back on me,
and left me with this pain.
Something died in me, you see.
Without you, my heart will never live again.
--------
I suck at poetry, so sue me.
Friday, August 13, 2004
and another week
Yeah, I'm a loser. Another week past, and the only thing that I managed to do that's actually beneficial is finished my GBS assignment. Finished it at around 3am this morning, actually. I'm not very confident with what I wrote. I'll decide whether I wanna drop the course in around 2 weeks time. Hopefully I can get my assignment graded before then to see whether dropping is a must.
I'm gonna be staying home again for the weekend and be true to the loser definition. A mixture of no car, living with mom and pretty fucking broke is a serious detergent to going out and having fun. I guess I should probably either start my work on Java or Oracle 9i. Those would be due late next month and mid-October. Java is freaking hard.
Another point that proves me a loser is that it's been so long since we've broke up, things got so bad and she's such a bitch, and I still miss her. When will this end?
I'm gonna be staying home again for the weekend and be true to the loser definition. A mixture of no car, living with mom and pretty fucking broke is a serious detergent to going out and having fun. I guess I should probably either start my work on Java or Oracle 9i. Those would be due late next month and mid-October. Java is freaking hard.
Another point that proves me a loser is that it's been so long since we've broke up, things got so bad and she's such a bitch, and I still miss her. When will this end?
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
socialism? liberalism? conservatism?
I'm going nuts over this stupid assignment for Government, Business and Society. Nuts as in bad. It's only the fourth week I took this class and I'm expected to submit a 2000-word essay contrasting socialism with either liberalism or conservatism and discussing whether it's applicable in the year 2004. Or something like that.
Considering I've always hated politics, this is freaking new to me. I have a tough time getting all the facts about these idealogies straight, had barely grasped most of the basic concepts involvled and now I have to rush for this paper.
According to the lecturer from Australia, we have to present points, backed by at least 10-12 sources, to discuss the things needed in the paper. As of right now, I found less than that amount of sources/references that I have yet to read through to determine whether they actually apply to the paper I'm to write. Ain't that just great.
Latest news is, quite a few of my fellow classmates here, in the same college has already dropped the course... I wonder if I should do the same. The add/drop deadline is sometime later this month. I guess I should really, seriously consider this.
Considering I've always hated politics, this is freaking new to me. I have a tough time getting all the facts about these idealogies straight, had barely grasped most of the basic concepts involvled and now I have to rush for this paper.
According to the lecturer from Australia, we have to present points, backed by at least 10-12 sources, to discuss the things needed in the paper. As of right now, I found less than that amount of sources/references that I have yet to read through to determine whether they actually apply to the paper I'm to write. Ain't that just great.
Latest news is, quite a few of my fellow classmates here, in the same college has already dropped the course... I wonder if I should do the same. The add/drop deadline is sometime later this month. I guess I should really, seriously consider this.
Saturday, August 7, 2004
emptiness
For the past 2 plus years, Ling has taken up a huge part of my heart, my thoughts and my life. Now, I finally realise that as the reason why it is so hard for me to totally forget about her, and to move on. I had been forcing myself to really forget her. Went so far as to try to convince myself that I feel nothing for her, by still seeing her for lunch, movies, even a fling. I was totally wrong. Forcing it doesn't help at all.
I guess this is what people would call loneliness. This empty space in your heart, once occupied by the best thing in life, now left to rot by that same thing.
And also, at this moment, I realise that I seriously do not have friends that I can really talk to in times like this. Maybe it's just my timing that's bad, but everyone seems to be in their own share of bliss, or too deep in their own sorrow to help. It's really sad when you reach out to those that you thought would help, and no one was there to hold your hand and keep you from falling further.
Sometimes, I really regret loving someone with all my heart. Before I knew how it felt, I was eager to try. I knew that if the ending was bad, it'll hurt; but I never knew how much it will hurt. I guess this is one of those things that if people knew, they'd never bother to try. When I look back, and feel the way I feel now, I can't convince myself that it was all worth it. Love is overrated.
I started this journal to help me forget about her. When I read it now, it seems like most of it is about her. I still haven't moved on. I'd never been this way before and I really hate myself for being like this.
My so-called best friend is not helping either. She told me to send her an sms or email if I needed a hand or to talk. That she'd call me and talk to me if I needed her to. All she ever did was tell me to get a life and that she's seeing her boyfriend when I reached out to her. And now, she has the guts to send me an email saying she needs to talk and that she's going some kinda emotional turmoil. Fuck her. She's been like this forever. This time, I'm through with this shit.
This emptiness hurts, but I'll get through it. I'll get accustomed to being alone again one day.
I guess this is what people would call loneliness. This empty space in your heart, once occupied by the best thing in life, now left to rot by that same thing.
And also, at this moment, I realise that I seriously do not have friends that I can really talk to in times like this. Maybe it's just my timing that's bad, but everyone seems to be in their own share of bliss, or too deep in their own sorrow to help. It's really sad when you reach out to those that you thought would help, and no one was there to hold your hand and keep you from falling further.
Sometimes, I really regret loving someone with all my heart. Before I knew how it felt, I was eager to try. I knew that if the ending was bad, it'll hurt; but I never knew how much it will hurt. I guess this is one of those things that if people knew, they'd never bother to try. When I look back, and feel the way I feel now, I can't convince myself that it was all worth it. Love is overrated.
I started this journal to help me forget about her. When I read it now, it seems like most of it is about her. I still haven't moved on. I'd never been this way before and I really hate myself for being like this.
My so-called best friend is not helping either. She told me to send her an sms or email if I needed a hand or to talk. That she'd call me and talk to me if I needed her to. All she ever did was tell me to get a life and that she's seeing her boyfriend when I reached out to her. And now, she has the guts to send me an email saying she needs to talk and that she's going some kinda emotional turmoil. Fuck her. She's been like this forever. This time, I'm through with this shit.
This emptiness hurts, but I'll get through it. I'll get accustomed to being alone again one day.
Thursday, August 5, 2004
...
Ling told me that she's going for a walk-in interview thing for MAS airlines today. I was actually happy for her and supported her for it. It seems no matter how much I wanna get over her, I still care for her to a certain degree. Haven't got any news from her about how the thing went. It's gonna be 9pm soon, so I guess the interview should be over. Somehow I kept expecting that she'll call or sms and tell me whether she made it.
Susi's right when she said that I still care for her, although I didn't really realize that fact til just now. I think I'm stupid, caring for her still when she's got all the guys she wants around her now. Looking at it from another aspect, I don't regret loving her, nor do I hate myself for still caring for her more than I should. Somehow, this just proves to me that I have really loved. And I'm glad that I did. I always believe that a person should at least throw his/her heart out like that once in his/her life.
I wonder if she'll call later tonight, although I really doubt it.
Susi's right when she said that I still care for her, although I didn't really realize that fact til just now. I think I'm stupid, caring for her still when she's got all the guys she wants around her now. Looking at it from another aspect, I don't regret loving her, nor do I hate myself for still caring for her more than I should. Somehow, this just proves to me that I have really loved. And I'm glad that I did. I always believe that a person should at least throw his/her heart out like that once in his/her life.
I wonder if she'll call later tonight, although I really doubt it.
Monday, August 2, 2004
ramblings on a monday
I actually paid for a stupid movie in a cinema last Friday night. That's something I vowed not to ever do again after watching Hellboy. (That was a really dumb thing too, don't ask.) Actually, I went planning on seeing Godsend. Stem cell research seems like a good topic for a movie. Ended up they wanted something Chinese, so I thought, even with all the bad reviews, that 十面埋伏 would be cool. And then we ended up watching a dumb Cantonese comedy called Three of a Kind.
Well, Friday wasn't all bad cos I ended up getting Chrno Crusade and Peacemaker. Both I couldn't get through iMesh. If only I can figure out how to run BT or Kazaa through the company's firewall.
The rest of the weekend were just animes with Sheryl. It's good to be lazy for a while sometimes.
Actually, I kinda regret not going to KL over the weekend. There were quite some good deals on computers and accessories in the PC Fair held over the weekend. CDRWs at RM68 per 100pcs!! Not to mention the deals on speaker systems I heard. Guess I missed that.
Had some good news this morning when Susi emailed and said that I'm being considered for a team leader post for a tech support team in her company. I have my fingers crossed for a phone call from them. If it works out, I'll have my chance to move away from Ipoh for a while. Kinda sick of this place now, been here almost four years. *sigh*
I wonder how long it'll take for me to totally forget about everything I'd felt for my ex. I once had a crush on Fee, just a crush, and it took me nearly 3 years to totally get that outta my head. Sometimes, it really is kinda tough forgetting someone you've truly loved for so long. Well, the things my ex did helped a bit, I guess. Although I'm still far from the really ok area, I'm really trying now. Getting away would be a great help. :)
Just over spent my lunch hour earlier stocking up on junkfood. I've been kinda working out a lot and eating healthy lately, but hey, gotta let go once in a while. Junkfood is good when I'm planning on spending more of my nights at home either studying or watching animes/movies. Another great way to save up for trips to other places. :)
Well, Friday wasn't all bad cos I ended up getting Chrno Crusade and Peacemaker. Both I couldn't get through iMesh. If only I can figure out how to run BT or Kazaa through the company's firewall.
The rest of the weekend were just animes with Sheryl. It's good to be lazy for a while sometimes.
Actually, I kinda regret not going to KL over the weekend. There were quite some good deals on computers and accessories in the PC Fair held over the weekend. CDRWs at RM68 per 100pcs!! Not to mention the deals on speaker systems I heard. Guess I missed that.
Had some good news this morning when Susi emailed and said that I'm being considered for a team leader post for a tech support team in her company. I have my fingers crossed for a phone call from them. If it works out, I'll have my chance to move away from Ipoh for a while. Kinda sick of this place now, been here almost four years. *sigh*
I wonder how long it'll take for me to totally forget about everything I'd felt for my ex. I once had a crush on Fee, just a crush, and it took me nearly 3 years to totally get that outta my head. Sometimes, it really is kinda tough forgetting someone you've truly loved for so long. Well, the things my ex did helped a bit, I guess. Although I'm still far from the really ok area, I'm really trying now. Getting away would be a great help. :)
Just over spent my lunch hour earlier stocking up on junkfood. I've been kinda working out a lot and eating healthy lately, but hey, gotta let go once in a while. Junkfood is good when I'm planning on spending more of my nights at home either studying or watching animes/movies. Another great way to save up for trips to other places. :)
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
living with mom
I've been living at home since I got back from the US because it saves a lot of money and I get to have lots of home cooked meal. I did save cuz there's no need to pay extra rental for another house/room and the bills and all that. All I had to pay were the bills at home, which I'll have to pay anyway even if I lived outside. Actually, it worked out quite well up til now.
When I told mom that I have a female friend staying over for a couple of nights when she visits Ipoh, the first reply I got from her was that there will be NO hanky-panky between me and her in the house, including my room. And if I were to do something like that, I should rent a hotel room or something outside.
I had never consider the possibility that mom would be so sensitive to this issue. Actually, I never even thought of anything happening between me and my friend. Come to think of it, I kinda dislike the way mom worded the whole thing. Really makes me wanna finish everything in Ipoh ASAP and just move elsewhere to work and live alone.
My bro's gonna be back from UK end of the year, and he doesn't seem to wanna stay anywhere but in Ipoh. I guess he can take care of mom then. I've been living at home for almost 4 years now, and I'm getting kinda sick of it already. Especially now that I broke up with my ex, leaving here and start anew seems like a really good idea.
Penang seems to be a good place, although I don't really have much friends living there. Most of my friends are in KL, a place that I kinda hate because of the smog, the rush of everything, the people... and mostly because of the heat. I guess it all depends on where I can manage to get a new job by end of this year. Still another 5 months to go.
When I told mom that I have a female friend staying over for a couple of nights when she visits Ipoh, the first reply I got from her was that there will be NO hanky-panky between me and her in the house, including my room. And if I were to do something like that, I should rent a hotel room or something outside.
I had never consider the possibility that mom would be so sensitive to this issue. Actually, I never even thought of anything happening between me and my friend. Come to think of it, I kinda dislike the way mom worded the whole thing. Really makes me wanna finish everything in Ipoh ASAP and just move elsewhere to work and live alone.
My bro's gonna be back from UK end of the year, and he doesn't seem to wanna stay anywhere but in Ipoh. I guess he can take care of mom then. I've been living at home for almost 4 years now, and I'm getting kinda sick of it already. Especially now that I broke up with my ex, leaving here and start anew seems like a really good idea.
Penang seems to be a good place, although I don't really have much friends living there. Most of my friends are in KL, a place that I kinda hate because of the smog, the rush of everything, the people... and mostly because of the heat. I guess it all depends on where I can manage to get a new job by end of this year. Still another 5 months to go.
Monday, July 26, 2004
another lousy monday
Work out day yesterday, which basically means that I'm aching all over right now. Supposed to be working on noon shift (read: wake up earliest at 10am), but the stupid wajib progress test was 10am. Now I'm sitting in the office feeling my aching muscles and my headache from having not enough sleep last night. And I'm supposed to have a class at 7-9pm, have shirts to iron when I get home, need to clean up my room before Friday... argh. Kill me please.
---
Here are some interesting things:
#1. Things an ex can do when the relationship turns sour.
Seems like my ex has been talking shit about me behind my back. Really bad shit, which basically made everyone of her friends giving me stares and stuff. Probably trying to make herself feel good or to negate the posibility that I'll have any chance with any of her friends that I know. Not that I'm interested in any of them. I still have my own circle of friends. :)
#2. Things an ex will do to get back with you.
Tried to seduce me on Sunday, to no avail. Actually, she would've succeeded if she were just a tad more confident in herself. Initially I was just stopping over at her place to get some stuff back... Anyway, I still left a lil too late in the end, and went out the door at the exact moment that her current boyfriend drove in. Pretty fucked up. The guy was giving me a really bad look. I was kinda ready for a fight when I walked away.
#3. More things an ex will do to get back with you.
She came to the office and told me that she made my favourite soup, should be ready by noon and whether I wanna have some. If so, she'll bring it over to my office at noon time.
I told her not to bring it over (read: no, don't want, not interested), but kinda got the wrong idea and ask if I wanna come over for it, hinting at maybe more than soup. -_-
I'd always asked her to cook for me before we broke up but she usually won't. I'm the one who cooks most of the time. Kinda makes me wonder whether having an ex is better than a steady.
Anyway, I actually said no in the face of promised good sex and good food and that made her cry and I kinda think I'm a fucking idiot now but I still feel good about doing it cos I really need to let go and I don't want to create any more problems between her and her current boyfriend. *phew*
Come to think of it, what the hell is her boyfriend doing wrong that she has to come back to me to get laid. OK, none of my business.
---
On to better things.
Me and Susi are really working on going to Bali for a short trip. We both need to get away, and she's kinda hoping to get laid with a white guy while she's there. I'm thinking of hot indonesian massage chicks like the one in the 7up commercial. OK, seriously, it's just getting away that's important. We were sorta planning to go late August, during the National Day weekend, but everything for August has been booked. Next best date is September, but it's harder to work out a period where we can both go.
Would like to have some short trips too. Candidates include Genting, Camerons, Pangkor, KL(Susi wants a shopping spree), Singapore...
I just seriously need a break. :P
---
Here are some interesting things:
#1. Things an ex can do when the relationship turns sour.
Seems like my ex has been talking shit about me behind my back. Really bad shit, which basically made everyone of her friends giving me stares and stuff. Probably trying to make herself feel good or to negate the posibility that I'll have any chance with any of her friends that I know. Not that I'm interested in any of them. I still have my own circle of friends. :)
#2. Things an ex will do to get back with you.
Tried to seduce me on Sunday, to no avail. Actually, she would've succeeded if she were just a tad more confident in herself. Initially I was just stopping over at her place to get some stuff back... Anyway, I still left a lil too late in the end, and went out the door at the exact moment that her current boyfriend drove in. Pretty fucked up. The guy was giving me a really bad look. I was kinda ready for a fight when I walked away.
#3. More things an ex will do to get back with you.
She came to the office and told me that she made my favourite soup, should be ready by noon and whether I wanna have some. If so, she'll bring it over to my office at noon time.
I told her not to bring it over (read: no, don't want, not interested), but kinda got the wrong idea and ask if I wanna come over for it, hinting at maybe more than soup. -_-
I'd always asked her to cook for me before we broke up but she usually won't. I'm the one who cooks most of the time. Kinda makes me wonder whether having an ex is better than a steady.
Anyway, I actually said no in the face of promised good sex and good food and that made her cry and I kinda think I'm a fucking idiot now but I still feel good about doing it cos I really need to let go and I don't want to create any more problems between her and her current boyfriend. *phew*
Come to think of it, what the hell is her boyfriend doing wrong that she has to come back to me to get laid. OK, none of my business.
---
On to better things.
Me and Susi are really working on going to Bali for a short trip. We both need to get away, and she's kinda hoping to get laid with a white guy while she's there. I'm thinking of hot indonesian massage chicks like the one in the 7up commercial. OK, seriously, it's just getting away that's important. We were sorta planning to go late August, during the National Day weekend, but everything for August has been booked. Next best date is September, but it's harder to work out a period where we can both go.
Would like to have some short trips too. Candidates include Genting, Camerons, Pangkor, KL(Susi wants a shopping spree), Singapore...
I just seriously need a break. :P
Saturday, July 24, 2004
letting go. picking up.
I've cleaned out everything of her from my cellphone. It's one of those things that I heard works well to forget someone you'd really loved. Basically, I should remove everything around me that reminds me of her. I'm on my way to completing that task, the room's almost clean of everything of hers or ours. Probably just stay home tonight and clean out my room. It's about time I rearrange my wardrobe and also to throw or pack away some old books that I haven't used for a year or so.
I still have a copy of the JiangHu (江湖 <-- wonder if this shows properly) DVD that I haven't watched. Wonder whether mom wanna watch it tonight. I've actually been wanting to get this DVD for some time. I'm just gonna ignore the fact that Ling got the DVD for me. No point in wasting a perfectly good DVD of a perfectly good movie by throwing it away.
OK. Let's just stay home for the weekend and do some serious house-cleaning. When I'm done, I'll catch up on all the VCDs and DVDs that I have lying around un-watched. Or maybe I should do that after I finish preparing for the Wajib test on Monday. Geezz... Malaysian education. What are they really thinking when they impose idiocies like these.
Anyway, I'm broke but Susi offered to pay for everything but the air ticket to Bali. I'm really wondering if I should go. And if I do go, I'll really be uncomfortable with her paying for me. Although we've been close friends for a while, it's still weird. Well, I'm supposed to go check out the MATA fair with her next weekend in Penang. Which basically co-incides with my plan of exchanging animes with Sheryl next weekend. I kinda miss Sheryl. She's really fun to be with and we haven't seen each other for some time. :P
Seriously, I'm not getting romantic about meeting them or whatever. I consider them really really good friends. The first time I go romantic with a close friend (Ling), it ended in a disaster. We can't even be friends now. I'd rather keep those 2 as friends right now. Don't wanna lose anyone else.
On a brighter note, I hope the not-confirmed-yet karaoke thingy with my colleagues tomorrow will work out. I haven't been singing for some time and I really wanna try out the new Jacky Cheung songs from his last album. Some of them are really great stuff.
I still have a copy of the JiangHu (江湖 <-- wonder if this shows properly) DVD that I haven't watched. Wonder whether mom wanna watch it tonight. I've actually been wanting to get this DVD for some time. I'm just gonna ignore the fact that Ling got the DVD for me. No point in wasting a perfectly good DVD of a perfectly good movie by throwing it away.
OK. Let's just stay home for the weekend and do some serious house-cleaning. When I'm done, I'll catch up on all the VCDs and DVDs that I have lying around un-watched. Or maybe I should do that after I finish preparing for the Wajib test on Monday. Geezz... Malaysian education. What are they really thinking when they impose idiocies like these.
Anyway, I'm broke but Susi offered to pay for everything but the air ticket to Bali. I'm really wondering if I should go. And if I do go, I'll really be uncomfortable with her paying for me. Although we've been close friends for a while, it's still weird. Well, I'm supposed to go check out the MATA fair with her next weekend in Penang. Which basically co-incides with my plan of exchanging animes with Sheryl next weekend. I kinda miss Sheryl. She's really fun to be with and we haven't seen each other for some time. :P
Seriously, I'm not getting romantic about meeting them or whatever. I consider them really really good friends. The first time I go romantic with a close friend (Ling), it ended in a disaster. We can't even be friends now. I'd rather keep those 2 as friends right now. Don't wanna lose anyone else.
On a brighter note, I hope the not-confirmed-yet karaoke thingy with my colleagues tomorrow will work out. I haven't been singing for some time and I really wanna try out the new Jacky Cheung songs from his last album. Some of them are really great stuff.
Friday, July 23, 2004
it came late
The hurt, that is. It seems she hates my guts now, blaming me for every single thing that went wrong. Threw everything that has anything to do with me out, etc. Saw her briefly in college earlier. The look she gave me could've killed me right then and there. A brief moment, but I saw all the hate in her eyes. It probably feels like how painful it will be if I were a practice dummy for shuriken training. For a decade.
Recreate the romance, and you recreate the heartbreak. That is an understatement. And all along I thought I was cool-headed enough to treat it as a fling. A word to everyone out there: if you do break up with someone, don't ever go back, not even for a fling. Unless you've never given your heart in the first place, it will always hurt worse than before.
She's happy now, I guess. No one around to nag her about the multitudes of boyfriends she has now. Being able to put all the blame for everything that went wrong on me, and being able to hate me so thoroughly for it. I thought that it was romantic being the fool for her. What I did not expect is that, in the end, that's all I am to her. A fool to blame everything on so she can feel better herself.
I wish I can be that cruel. At least I'll feel better. The only person I hate is myself, for being such a stupid bastard. The only thing good that came out of this, is that now I truly believe in the phrase "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
I'm still alive. I'll live yet.
Recreate the romance, and you recreate the heartbreak. That is an understatement. And all along I thought I was cool-headed enough to treat it as a fling. A word to everyone out there: if you do break up with someone, don't ever go back, not even for a fling. Unless you've never given your heart in the first place, it will always hurt worse than before.
She's happy now, I guess. No one around to nag her about the multitudes of boyfriends she has now. Being able to put all the blame for everything that went wrong on me, and being able to hate me so thoroughly for it. I thought that it was romantic being the fool for her. What I did not expect is that, in the end, that's all I am to her. A fool to blame everything on so she can feel better herself.
I wish I can be that cruel. At least I'll feel better. The only person I hate is myself, for being such a stupid bastard. The only thing good that came out of this, is that now I truly believe in the phrase "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
I'm still alive. I'll live yet.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
...
My best friend is right. The thing I miss most with my ex is the sex. I can't stop thinking about that since last night. I am probably really a selfish sex maniac. :P But hey, most men are anyway. Come to think of it, she's among the best that I've slept with. I guess it's really all in the attitude and the way she does things. Really gets me in the mood.
It's time to snap out of it. So, just to make sure I don't do anything stupid, I'm gonna make myself some promises.
1. Don't go back to her.
2. I'd never paid for sex, let's keep it that way.
3. Don't get desperate, it's not something I really need. Yet. :P
4. Have a wild night this weekend. Hopefully.
5. It's about time to start concentrating on this semester's classes.
Of course, there is also the possibility of me going to KL to meet these couple of girls that I haven't seen for a year.
It's time to snap out of it. So, just to make sure I don't do anything stupid, I'm gonna make myself some promises.
1. Don't go back to her.
2. I'd never paid for sex, let's keep it that way.
3. Don't get desperate, it's not something I really need. Yet. :P
4. Have a wild night this weekend. Hopefully.
5. It's about time to start concentrating on this semester's classes.
Of course, there is also the possibility of me going to KL to meet these couple of girls that I haven't seen for a year.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
stupid things
#1. Matapelajaran Wajib.
The way that the alphabets that form Malay words are actually located on the keyboard is awkward. Especially since I've been accustomed to typing in English for so many years. It just feels like my fingers can't move to the correct key without my looking at the keyboard every other word. Sometimes the way certain alphabets repeat themselves in a word makes my fingers wanna just cramp up and die. And then there's the problem that I don't have a Malay dictionary in MS Word for the spell checking. Everything was in red and green underline.
Actually, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't have to. It's for one of those stupid lame-ass excuse of a requirement course that the Malaysian government heaped on the shoulders of college students. Pendidikan Moral. Argh.
It seems like they believe that if we were to take a course in morals and ethics, we will all be turned into goody two shoes and law-abiding citizens. Bullshit. Ethics and morality are not things you learn from books. It need to be cultivated. Although in my case, it probably won't work as well as it should.
The text book itself is full of English-bastardized Malay. A lot of it were just copied or translated directly from English books. I found whole passages inside directly translated, et verbatim, from Richard Brandt's A Theory of the Good and the Right. That is how fucked up the class is.
#2. My Java lecturer.
She copies java source codes from websites like planet source code dot com, then bring it into class and display it on the projector screen. She could've at least unzipped and save the file somewhere else first. At least by doing that, we wouldn't see the file inside the zip file that says where the code is from. She probably should alter the actual source code's comments too.
OK, granted, she's not the only lecturer doing that here. I've caught quite a few of them doing the same thing with other classes.
Besides the above, another easy way to catch them is to ask things about the codes. Something details and in-depth. Usually they won't be able to answer the question. She actually said, in reponse to a more advanced question, and I quote, "Don't ask me that now, you are disturbing the rest of the class. I will tell you that when I teach that module." The rest of the class, at that precise moment, are copying from the projector screen another snippet of code from good old planet source code. -_-
#3. Buying a packet of extremely nice iced white coffee and forgot to drink it.
Well, it's still hanging in my office right now...
#4. My ex.
She called and told me she broke up with the other boyfriends cos it's me she wants. Blah blah blah. Then asked whether there are any chances of us getting back together. Basically, I just said I dunno. Adapting from what my best friend said to me, it seems like my selfish sexual desires are slowly winning over my sensibility. (She said it the other way around when I told her I called off the fling with my ex, and she sounded kinda proud of me. HAH!)
The stupid thing is, she lied. Again. :)
The truth is she never did such a thing. I'm glad I found out before my sensibility was overwhelmed by my "selfish sexual desires".
It's time to take my bro's advice and just ignore her. I need to concentrate more on my new semester anyway. The advanced Java project looks pretty damned tough.
#5. Me.
For almost believing in that cheating, manipulating and selfish bitch again.
The way that the alphabets that form Malay words are actually located on the keyboard is awkward. Especially since I've been accustomed to typing in English for so many years. It just feels like my fingers can't move to the correct key without my looking at the keyboard every other word. Sometimes the way certain alphabets repeat themselves in a word makes my fingers wanna just cramp up and die. And then there's the problem that I don't have a Malay dictionary in MS Word for the spell checking. Everything was in red and green underline.
Actually, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't have to. It's for one of those stupid lame-ass excuse of a requirement course that the Malaysian government heaped on the shoulders of college students. Pendidikan Moral. Argh.
It seems like they believe that if we were to take a course in morals and ethics, we will all be turned into goody two shoes and law-abiding citizens. Bullshit. Ethics and morality are not things you learn from books. It need to be cultivated. Although in my case, it probably won't work as well as it should.
The text book itself is full of English-bastardized Malay. A lot of it were just copied or translated directly from English books. I found whole passages inside directly translated, et verbatim, from Richard Brandt's A Theory of the Good and the Right. That is how fucked up the class is.
#2. My Java lecturer.
She copies java source codes from websites like planet source code dot com, then bring it into class and display it on the projector screen. She could've at least unzipped and save the file somewhere else first. At least by doing that, we wouldn't see the file inside the zip file that says where the code is from. She probably should alter the actual source code's comments too.
OK, granted, she's not the only lecturer doing that here. I've caught quite a few of them doing the same thing with other classes.
Besides the above, another easy way to catch them is to ask things about the codes. Something details and in-depth. Usually they won't be able to answer the question. She actually said, in reponse to a more advanced question, and I quote, "Don't ask me that now, you are disturbing the rest of the class. I will tell you that when I teach that module." The rest of the class, at that precise moment, are copying from the projector screen another snippet of code from good old planet source code. -_-
#3. Buying a packet of extremely nice iced white coffee and forgot to drink it.
Well, it's still hanging in my office right now...
#4. My ex.
She called and told me she broke up with the other boyfriends cos it's me she wants. Blah blah blah. Then asked whether there are any chances of us getting back together. Basically, I just said I dunno. Adapting from what my best friend said to me, it seems like my selfish sexual desires are slowly winning over my sensibility. (She said it the other way around when I told her I called off the fling with my ex, and she sounded kinda proud of me. HAH!)
The stupid thing is, she lied. Again. :)
The truth is she never did such a thing. I'm glad I found out before my sensibility was overwhelmed by my "selfish sexual desires".
It's time to take my bro's advice and just ignore her. I need to concentrate more on my new semester anyway. The advanced Java project looks pretty damned tough.
#5. Me.
For almost believing in that cheating, manipulating and selfish bitch again.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
complications
I shouldn't have had the fling. Things might be getting way out of hand right now.
My ex has been messaging me on the phone since last night, telling
about how she can't sleep and can't forget me and shit like that. This
morning, it got worse. She hinted at wanting to kill herself. Honestly,
I don't really think she's up for it, but there is the faint chance
that it might happen and I really wonder how much it'll affect me if it
did.
I've told her again and again that it's over. There is no way that I
can ever love or trust her like before again. We've had our chances,
quite a few of them, to make things work but she just kept letting
those chances slip by.
She had the guts to tell me that the other boyfriends she has right now
are not the ones she wants. I was like, "What the fuck you talking
about?. If they weren't what you want, what the hell were you doing
with them?".
Nobody really gets all that they want in life. To be happy, you have to
know when to stop being greedy and be glad with what you have. "The
price of getting what you want is getting what once you wanted." Neil
Gaiman shit. Extremely true too. I think I almost made that a mantra
for my life. If only she'd understand what that means when I told her
that last year.
What I really need to do now is to make sure that nothing bad happens.
I really don't need some shit like that on my conscience. Actually, I
feel like she's trying to manipulate me into getting back together with
her again. There's always the off-chance that she's really depressed
and shit. Maybe the best way is really just to ignore her. Kinda cruel,
but if I really have to do it that way, maybe I will.
I can probably call up one of her boyfriends too. I know the guy, got
his number and all that. Let him help her out? It'll be weird though,
me calling him asking him to take care of her. So freaking lame, like
some old movies with some loser ex-boyfriend asking the new boyfriend
to take care of the girl, while secretly wishing to score points with
her. HA. Ha. No, I'm definitely not doing that.
------
I think I'd finally gotten through to her. The last sms
seems she's ok. I really do hope she is, although it took her 2 hours
to reply... Oh well, maybe it's one of the boyfriends.
Sometimes I really wonder why people go through all the emotional
hassles of being in a relationship. I mean, it's all sweet and nice and
stuff when it starts out, but things never last. Sooner or later it's
gonna go bad and you'll wish you'd never started it.
Me and her, we haven't really been together that long. I'd tried my
best to make things work when things started to go wrong. As I'd always
say, a relationship is a thing between 2 persons. If only one side is
gonna work hard towards making it work, it will never work out. Two
plus years, and I'm already too tired to continue this.
The best stories are good because they know when to end. If you
continued at it long enough, every story is probably gonna stop with a
bad ending.
My ex has been messaging me on the phone since last night, telling
about how she can't sleep and can't forget me and shit like that. This
morning, it got worse. She hinted at wanting to kill herself. Honestly,
I don't really think she's up for it, but there is the faint chance
that it might happen and I really wonder how much it'll affect me if it
did.
I've told her again and again that it's over. There is no way that I
can ever love or trust her like before again. We've had our chances,
quite a few of them, to make things work but she just kept letting
those chances slip by.
She had the guts to tell me that the other boyfriends she has right now
are not the ones she wants. I was like, "What the fuck you talking
about?. If they weren't what you want, what the hell were you doing
with them?".
Nobody really gets all that they want in life. To be happy, you have to
know when to stop being greedy and be glad with what you have. "The
price of getting what you want is getting what once you wanted." Neil
Gaiman shit. Extremely true too. I think I almost made that a mantra
for my life. If only she'd understand what that means when I told her
that last year.
What I really need to do now is to make sure that nothing bad happens.
I really don't need some shit like that on my conscience. Actually, I
feel like she's trying to manipulate me into getting back together with
her again. There's always the off-chance that she's really depressed
and shit. Maybe the best way is really just to ignore her. Kinda cruel,
but if I really have to do it that way, maybe I will.
I can probably call up one of her boyfriends too. I know the guy, got
his number and all that. Let him help her out? It'll be weird though,
me calling him asking him to take care of her. So freaking lame, like
some old movies with some loser ex-boyfriend asking the new boyfriend
to take care of the girl, while secretly wishing to score points with
her. HA. Ha. No, I'm definitely not doing that.
------
I think I'd finally gotten through to her. The last sms
seems she's ok. I really do hope she is, although it took her 2 hours
to reply... Oh well, maybe it's one of the boyfriends.
Sometimes I really wonder why people go through all the emotional
hassles of being in a relationship. I mean, it's all sweet and nice and
stuff when it starts out, but things never last. Sooner or later it's
gonna go bad and you'll wish you'd never started it.
Me and her, we haven't really been together that long. I'd tried my
best to make things work when things started to go wrong. As I'd always
say, a relationship is a thing between 2 persons. If only one side is
gonna work hard towards making it work, it will never work out. Two
plus years, and I'm already too tired to continue this.
The best stories are good because they know when to end. If you
continued at it long enough, every story is probably gonna stop with a
bad ending.
Friday, July 16, 2004
finally
Just got my results online. Luckily, 2 As and 2 Bs. And all along I was worried that I might fail at least one subject, since I never go to class at all. Next semester's starting on next Monday. I'm kinda looking forward to it. Really wanna finish this degree asap so I can move on to other stuff. I've wasted too many years partying and fooling around.
On another note, I'm actually still considering MCSE and CCNA/CCNP. The thing is, I don't know enough about the Cisco stuff to just go ahead and take the exam, and MCSE in ASEAN countries is going down the drain since there've been too many people with the certification this couple of years. Even Micro$0ft came and investigated that shit.
----------
This year, there won't be a Bon Odori celebration in Ipoh. Shitass TV3's Sure Heboh hogged the place that the celebration was supposed to be held. Fucking bastards. I haven't missed a single year since 2000. The nearest one I can go to now would be in Penang. I wonder whether I can arrange something on such short notice, since the celebration will be held this Saturday night.
I hate TV3. :P
On another note, I'm actually still considering MCSE and CCNA/CCNP. The thing is, I don't know enough about the Cisco stuff to just go ahead and take the exam, and MCSE in ASEAN countries is going down the drain since there've been too many people with the certification this couple of years. Even Micro$0ft came and investigated that shit.
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This year, there won't be a Bon Odori celebration in Ipoh. Shitass TV3's Sure Heboh hogged the place that the celebration was supposed to be held. Fucking bastards. I haven't missed a single year since 2000. The nearest one I can go to now would be in Penang. I wonder whether I can arrange something on such short notice, since the celebration will be held this Saturday night.
I hate TV3. :P
bad start for a day
My ex been bothering me a lot this morning. Period pain and all that shit. It's really none of my fucking business now. Why can't she just moan/complain/bitch about it to her current boyfriends. And I do remember seeing a couple of guys trying to pick her up during class's break time in college. :)
My cell is off now since I really don't wanna answer any of her calls. I slept at after 3am this morning, and her calls and messages kept coming since 9am. Geez. Or maybe I should've just been cruel so that she'll think I'm a jerk and won't ever wanna see my face again.
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Since I only have internet access at work now, the only time I can fiddle around with the blog settings and template designs are when I'm at work. Which really means that I don't have much time. The fact that I haven't been creating any webpages for more than a year doesn't help much either.
Well, at least I got it to look like this. I'm very much towards minimalistic stuff when it comes to designs. Now, if I can only figure out how the hell do I customize the comments page. I somehow messed up the whole layout for the comments when I was fiddling around earlier, so I have to disable it now until I figure out a way to make it looks nice.
My cell is off now since I really don't wanna answer any of her calls. I slept at after 3am this morning, and her calls and messages kept coming since 9am. Geez. Or maybe I should've just been cruel so that she'll think I'm a jerk and won't ever wanna see my face again.
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Since I only have internet access at work now, the only time I can fiddle around with the blog settings and template designs are when I'm at work. Which really means that I don't have much time. The fact that I haven't been creating any webpages for more than a year doesn't help much either.
Well, at least I got it to look like this. I'm very much towards minimalistic stuff when it comes to designs. Now, if I can only figure out how the hell do I customize the comments page. I somehow messed up the whole layout for the comments when I was fiddling around earlier, so I have to disable it now until I figure out a way to make it looks nice.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
mmm... hmmm...
I hate making people cry.
I guess it really had to be done. It feels kinda empty now, but it really doesn't hurt much. Probably it'll hit me later on, after some time has past. I kinda hope that we can still be friends, but that remains to be seen.
I guess it really had to be done. It feels kinda empty now, but it really doesn't hurt much. Probably it'll hit me later on, after some time has past. I kinda hope that we can still be friends, but that remains to be seen.
... and so i'm here now
I met her during an orientation to a course we both enrolled in. This was late May, 2001. We didn't become friends until almost a month later, during a class. We went out for a break together and talked.
We remained friends for months after that. I never thought of being more than that. Maybe it's just because of my principal of not going after girls that have boyfriends; or maybe I just don't like sharing my girlfriend with someone else. She was going out with two guys at the same time then. Whatever the reason, nothing happened even though she hinted at stuff.
Early February 2002, she got herself a third boyfriend. :)
At this point I should probably clarify some stuff. She's hot, very much so, and she knows how to flaunt it. There are always guys going after her. Some fella actually sent her a POT(!!) of sunflower during class time. She's well spoken and smart too.
A month later, we were just chatting and she just asked whether I felt anything for her. I have no idea why, but I just said yes. I also said that I'm not one to share girlfriends with others. But somehow, we just got together the next day.
In the month that followed, she dumped all three of her boyfriends and I was the only one in her life. That's when I thought that this will be the first relationship that I can be really serious in. After all, I was really in love with her.
The 18 months that followed was great. We both had our ups and downs. We laughed, partied, fought, cried, and lived. It was all great.
Things started to changed when she went for a short, 2-month training for her course. She started spending way too much time on a job that doesn't pay much. She even spends most of her free time going out with her colleagues, and never once wanted me around when she's with them. Obviously, I felt something was wrong. Something was really wrong. She was actually going out with one of her bosses and a colleague at the same time. That was January 2004.
Love makes people stupid, clouds their minds, and makes them behave irrationally. That's the only excuse I can give for what I did when I found out. I gave her a chance to chose.
She chose me, but things were never the same anymore. I started not to trust her as much as before. And being an overly analytical person, I started noticing a lot of her flaws. The worst was the way she likes to hide the truth, or just plain lie. I couldn't stand that, and finally broke up with her in May.
I still loved her when I broke up with her. It's just that I realized that there is no way for us to be able to go on. It's hard to love and trust someone as much once that trust is betrayed. I felt that we were better off living our own lives.
She went to Thailand for a family event shortly after that, and came back with a Thai boyfriend. Another thing that she doesn't know, not even now, is that I know she got back together with her former colleague right after I broke up with her. I'm just gonna keep that my lil secret. Well, she's probably got more boyfriends than that.
After she got back, we somehow ended up having a fling. Basically, it's all my fault. I never knew about the boyfriends until after things got out of control. (Did I mention she's pretty good in bed too?) By the time I found out for sure, it was too late.
It's been a month now. I'm really sick of myself for getting back together with her, even though it's a fling. From another point of view, I'm glad I did because this past month actually let me see the bad side of her more clearly than ever before.
She is a very selfish person and an obsessive-compulsive liar. She doesn't know how to treasure what she has. She's always greedy for more affection and attention from more people. These are the traits that I hate in her, but these traits will probably get her anywhere in life real fast.
Anyway, I should've listened to my friends and never gotten back together with her, even just for a fling. Like what a friend said, if I'm still shagging her, I won't get over her.
I guess this is it then. I am stopping this fling today. Probably just gonna do it over the phone and not even see her. :P It's time to move on.
We remained friends for months after that. I never thought of being more than that. Maybe it's just because of my principal of not going after girls that have boyfriends; or maybe I just don't like sharing my girlfriend with someone else. She was going out with two guys at the same time then. Whatever the reason, nothing happened even though she hinted at stuff.
Early February 2002, she got herself a third boyfriend. :)
At this point I should probably clarify some stuff. She's hot, very much so, and she knows how to flaunt it. There are always guys going after her. Some fella actually sent her a POT(!!) of sunflower during class time. She's well spoken and smart too.
A month later, we were just chatting and she just asked whether I felt anything for her. I have no idea why, but I just said yes. I also said that I'm not one to share girlfriends with others. But somehow, we just got together the next day.
In the month that followed, she dumped all three of her boyfriends and I was the only one in her life. That's when I thought that this will be the first relationship that I can be really serious in. After all, I was really in love with her.
The 18 months that followed was great. We both had our ups and downs. We laughed, partied, fought, cried, and lived. It was all great.
Things started to changed when she went for a short, 2-month training for her course. She started spending way too much time on a job that doesn't pay much. She even spends most of her free time going out with her colleagues, and never once wanted me around when she's with them. Obviously, I felt something was wrong. Something was really wrong. She was actually going out with one of her bosses and a colleague at the same time. That was January 2004.
Love makes people stupid, clouds their minds, and makes them behave irrationally. That's the only excuse I can give for what I did when I found out. I gave her a chance to chose.
She chose me, but things were never the same anymore. I started not to trust her as much as before. And being an overly analytical person, I started noticing a lot of her flaws. The worst was the way she likes to hide the truth, or just plain lie. I couldn't stand that, and finally broke up with her in May.
I still loved her when I broke up with her. It's just that I realized that there is no way for us to be able to go on. It's hard to love and trust someone as much once that trust is betrayed. I felt that we were better off living our own lives.
She went to Thailand for a family event shortly after that, and came back with a Thai boyfriend. Another thing that she doesn't know, not even now, is that I know she got back together with her former colleague right after I broke up with her. I'm just gonna keep that my lil secret. Well, she's probably got more boyfriends than that.
After she got back, we somehow ended up having a fling. Basically, it's all my fault. I never knew about the boyfriends until after things got out of control. (Did I mention she's pretty good in bed too?) By the time I found out for sure, it was too late.
It's been a month now. I'm really sick of myself for getting back together with her, even though it's a fling. From another point of view, I'm glad I did because this past month actually let me see the bad side of her more clearly than ever before.
She is a very selfish person and an obsessive-compulsive liar. She doesn't know how to treasure what she has. She's always greedy for more affection and attention from more people. These are the traits that I hate in her, but these traits will probably get her anywhere in life real fast.
Anyway, I should've listened to my friends and never gotten back together with her, even just for a fling. Like what a friend said, if I'm still shagging her, I won't get over her.
I guess this is it then. I am stopping this fling today. Probably just gonna do it over the phone and not even see her. :P It's time to move on.
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