emptiness

For the past 2 plus years, Ling has taken up a huge part of my heart, my thoughts and my life. Now, I finally realise that as the reason why it is so hard for me to totally forget about her, and to move on. I had been forcing myself to really forget her. Went so far as to try to convince myself that I feel nothing for her, by still seeing her for lunch, movies, even a fling. I was totally wrong. Forcing it doesn't help at all.

I guess this is what people would call loneliness. This empty space in your heart, once occupied by the best thing in life, now left to rot by that same thing.

And also, at this moment, I realise that I seriously do not have friends that I can really talk to in times like this. Maybe it's just my timing that's bad, but everyone seems to be in their own share of bliss, or too deep in their own sorrow to help. It's really sad when you reach out to those that you thought would help, and no one was there to hold your hand and keep you from falling further.

Sometimes, I really regret loving someone with all my heart. Before I knew how it felt, I was eager to try. I knew that if the ending was bad, it'll hurt; but I never knew how much it will hurt. I guess this is one of those things that if people knew, they'd never bother to try. When I look back, and feel the way I feel now, I can't convince myself that it was all worth it. Love is overrated.

I started this journal to help me forget about her. When I read it now, it seems like most of it is about her. I still haven't moved on. I'd never been this way before and I really hate myself for being like this.

My so-called best friend is not helping either. She told me to send her an sms or email if I needed a hand or to talk. That she'd call me and talk to me if I needed her to. All she ever did was tell me to get a life and that she's seeing her boyfriend when I reached out to her. And now, she has the guts to send me an email saying she needs to talk and that she's going some kinda emotional turmoil. Fuck her. She's been like this forever. This time, I'm through with this shit.

This emptiness hurts, but I'll get through it. I'll get accustomed to being alone again one day.