living with mom

I've been living at home since I got back from the US because it saves a lot of money and I get to have lots of home cooked meal. I did save cuz there's no need to pay extra rental for another house/room and the bills and all that. All I had to pay were the bills at home, which I'll have to pay anyway even if I lived outside. Actually, it worked out quite well up til now.

When I told mom that I have a female friend staying over for a couple of nights when she visits Ipoh, the first reply I got from her was that there will be NO hanky-panky between me and her in the house, including my room. And if I were to do something like that, I should rent a hotel room or something outside.

I had never consider the possibility that mom would be so sensitive to this issue. Actually, I never even thought of anything happening between me and my friend. Come to think of it, I kinda dislike the way mom worded the whole thing. Really makes me wanna finish everything in Ipoh ASAP and just move elsewhere to work and live alone.

My bro's gonna be back from UK end of the year, and he doesn't seem to wanna stay anywhere but in Ipoh. I guess he can take care of mom then. I've been living at home for almost 4 years now, and I'm getting kinda sick of it already. Especially now that I broke up with my ex, leaving here and start anew seems like a really good idea.

Penang seems to be a good place, although I don't really have much friends living there. Most of my friends are in KL, a place that I kinda hate because of the smog, the rush of everything, the people... and mostly because of the heat. I guess it all depends on where I can manage to get a new job by end of this year. Still another 5 months to go.

another lousy monday

Work out day yesterday, which basically means that I'm aching all over right now. Supposed to be working on noon shift (read: wake up earliest at 10am), but the stupid wajib progress test was 10am. Now I'm sitting in the office feeling my aching muscles and my headache from having not enough sleep last night. And I'm supposed to have a class at 7-9pm, have shirts to iron when I get home, need to clean up my room before Friday... argh. Kill me please.
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Here are some interesting things:
#1. Things an ex can do when the relationship turns sour.
Seems like my ex has been talking shit about me behind my back. Really bad shit, which basically made everyone of her friends giving me stares and stuff. Probably trying to make herself feel good or to negate the posibility that I'll have any chance with any of her friends that I know. Not that I'm interested in any of them. I still have my own circle of friends. :)

#2. Things an ex will do to get back with you.
Tried to seduce me on Sunday, to no avail. Actually, she would've succeeded if she were just a tad more confident in herself. Initially I was just stopping over at her place to get some stuff back... Anyway, I still left a lil too late in the end, and went out the door at the exact moment that her current boyfriend drove in. Pretty fucked up. The guy was giving me a really bad look. I was kinda ready for a fight when I walked away.

#3. More things an ex will do to get back with you.
She came to the office and told me that she made my favourite soup, should be ready by noon and whether I wanna have some. If so, she'll bring it over to my office at noon time.
I told her not to bring it over (read: no, don't want, not interested), but kinda got the wrong idea and ask if I wanna come over for it, hinting at maybe more than soup. -_-
I'd always asked her to cook for me before we broke up but she usually won't. I'm the one who cooks most of the time. Kinda makes me wonder whether having an ex is better than a steady.

Anyway, I actually said no in the face of promised good sex and good food and that made her cry and I kinda think I'm a fucking idiot now but I still feel good about doing it cos I really need to let go and I don't want to create any more problems between her and her current boyfriend. *phew*

Come to think of it, what the hell is her boyfriend doing wrong that she has to come back to me to get laid. OK, none of my business.
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On to better things.
Me and Susi are really working on going to Bali for a short trip. We both need to get away, and she's kinda hoping to get laid with a white guy while she's there. I'm thinking of hot indonesian massage chicks like the one in the 7up commercial. OK, seriously, it's just getting away that's important. We were sorta planning to go late August, during the National Day weekend, but everything for August has been booked. Next best date is September, but it's harder to work out a period where we can both go.

Would like to have some short trips too. Candidates include Genting, Camerons, Pangkor, KL(Susi wants a shopping spree), Singapore...
I just seriously need a break. :P

letting go. picking up.

I've cleaned out everything of her from my cellphone. It's one of those things that I heard works well to forget someone you'd really loved. Basically, I should remove everything around me that reminds me of her. I'm on my way to completing that task, the room's almost clean of everything of hers or ours. Probably just stay home tonight and clean out my room. It's about time I rearrange my wardrobe and also to throw or pack away some old books that I haven't used for a year or so.

I still have a copy of the JiangHu (江湖 <-- wonder if this shows properly) DVD that I haven't watched. Wonder whether mom wanna watch it tonight. I've actually been wanting to get this DVD for some time. I'm just gonna ignore the fact that Ling got the DVD for me. No point in wasting a perfectly good DVD of a perfectly good movie by throwing it away.

OK. Let's just stay home for the weekend and do some serious house-cleaning. When I'm done, I'll catch up on all the VCDs and DVDs that I have lying around un-watched. Or maybe I should do that after I finish preparing for the Wajib test on Monday. Geezz... Malaysian education. What are they really thinking when they impose idiocies like these.

Anyway, I'm broke but Susi offered to pay for everything but the air ticket to Bali. I'm really wondering if I should go. And if I do go, I'll really be uncomfortable with her paying for me. Although we've been close friends for a while, it's still weird. Well, I'm supposed to go check out the MATA fair with her next weekend in Penang. Which basically co-incides with my plan of exchanging animes with Sheryl next weekend. I kinda miss Sheryl. She's really fun to be with and we haven't seen each other for some time. :P

Seriously, I'm not getting romantic about meeting them or whatever. I consider them really really good friends. The first time I go romantic with a close friend (Ling), it ended in a disaster. We can't even be friends now. I'd rather keep those 2 as friends right now. Don't wanna lose anyone else.

On a brighter note, I hope the not-confirmed-yet karaoke thingy with my colleagues tomorrow will work out. I haven't been singing for some time and I really wanna try out the new Jacky Cheung songs from his last album. Some of them are really great stuff.

it came late

The hurt, that is. It seems she hates my guts now, blaming me for every single thing that went wrong. Threw everything that has anything to do with me out, etc. Saw her briefly in college earlier. The look she gave me could've killed me right then and there. A brief moment, but I saw all the hate in her eyes. It probably feels like how painful it will be if I were a practice dummy for shuriken training. For a decade.

Recreate the romance, and you recreate the heartbreak. That is an understatement. And all along I thought I was cool-headed enough to treat it as a fling. A word to everyone out there: if you do break up with someone, don't ever go back, not even for a fling. Unless you've never given your heart in the first place, it will always hurt worse than before.

She's happy now, I guess. No one around to nag her about the multitudes of boyfriends she has now. Being able to put all the blame for everything that went wrong on me, and being able to hate me so thoroughly for it. I thought that it was romantic being the fool for her. What I did not expect is that, in the end, that's all I am to her. A fool to blame everything on so she can feel better herself.

I wish I can be that cruel. At least I'll feel better. The only person I hate is myself, for being such a stupid bastard. The only thing good that came out of this, is that now I truly believe in the phrase "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I'm still alive. I'll live yet.

...

My best friend is right. The thing I miss most with my ex is the sex. I can't stop thinking about that since last night. I am probably really a selfish sex maniac. :P But hey, most men are anyway. Come to think of it, she's among the best that I've slept with. I guess it's really all in the attitude and the way she does things. Really gets me in the mood.

It's time to snap out of it. So, just to make sure I don't do anything stupid, I'm gonna make myself some promises.

1. Don't go back to her.
2. I'd never paid for sex, let's keep it that way.
3. Don't get desperate, it's not something I really need. Yet. :P
4. Have a wild night this weekend. Hopefully.
5. It's about time to start concentrating on this semester's classes.

Of course, there is also the possibility of me going to KL to meet these couple of girls that I haven't seen for a year.

stupid things

#1. Matapelajaran Wajib.
The way that the alphabets that form Malay words are actually located on the keyboard is awkward. Especially since I've been accustomed to typing in English for so many years. It just feels like my fingers can't move to the correct key without my looking at the keyboard every other word. Sometimes the way certain alphabets repeat themselves in a word makes my fingers wanna just cramp up and die. And then there's the problem that I don't have a Malay dictionary in MS Word for the spell checking. Everything was in red and green underline.
Actually, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't have to. It's for one of those stupid lame-ass excuse of a requirement course that the Malaysian government heaped on the shoulders of college students. Pendidikan Moral. Argh.
It seems like they believe that if we were to take a course in morals and ethics, we will all be turned into goody two shoes and law-abiding citizens. Bullshit. Ethics and morality are not things you learn from books. It need to be cultivated. Although in my case, it probably won't work as well as it should.
The text book itself is full of English-bastardized Malay. A lot of it were just copied or translated directly from English books. I found whole passages inside directly translated, et verbatim, from Richard Brandt's A Theory of the Good and the Right. That is how fucked up the class is.

#2. My Java lecturer.
She copies java source codes from websites like planet source code dot com, then bring it into class and display it on the projector screen. She could've at least unzipped and save the file somewhere else first. At least by doing that, we wouldn't see the file inside the zip file that says where the code is from. She probably should alter the actual source code's comments too.
OK, granted, she's not the only lecturer doing that here. I've caught quite a few of them doing the same thing with other classes.
Besides the above, another easy way to catch them is to ask things about the codes. Something details and in-depth. Usually they won't be able to answer the question. She actually said, in reponse to a more advanced question, and I quote, "Don't ask me that now, you are disturbing the rest of the class. I will tell you that when I teach that module." The rest of the class, at that precise moment, are copying from the projector screen another snippet of code from good old planet source code. -_-

#3. Buying a packet of extremely nice iced white coffee and forgot to drink it.
Well, it's still hanging in my office right now...

#4. My ex.
She called and told me she broke up with the other boyfriends cos it's me she wants. Blah blah blah. Then asked whether there are any chances of us getting back together. Basically, I just said I dunno. Adapting from what my best friend said to me, it seems like my selfish sexual desires are slowly winning over my sensibility. (She said it the other way around when I told her I called off the fling with my ex, and she sounded kinda proud of me. HAH!)
The stupid thing is, she lied. Again. :)
The truth is she never did such a thing. I'm glad I found out before my sensibility was overwhelmed by my "selfish sexual desires".
It's time to take my bro's advice and just ignore her. I need to concentrate more on my new semester anyway. The advanced Java project looks pretty damned tough.

#5. Me.
For almost believing in that cheating, manipulating and selfish bitch again.

complications

I shouldn't have had the fling. Things might be getting way out of hand right now.

My ex has been messaging me on the phone since last night, telling
about how she can't sleep and can't forget me and shit like that. This
morning, it got worse. She hinted at wanting to kill herself. Honestly,
I don't really think she's up for it, but there is the faint chance
that it might happen and I really wonder how much it'll affect me if it
did.

I've told her again and again that it's over. There is no way that I
can ever love or trust her like before again. We've had our chances,
quite a few of them, to make things work but she just kept letting
those chances slip by.

She had the guts to tell me that the other boyfriends she has right now
are not the ones she wants. I was like, "What the fuck you talking
about?. If they weren't what you want, what the hell were you doing
with them?".

Nobody really gets all that they want in life. To be happy, you have to
know when to stop being greedy and be glad with what you have. "The
price of getting what you want is getting what once you wanted." Neil
Gaiman shit. Extremely true too. I think I almost made that a mantra
for my life. If only she'd understand what that means when I told her
that last year.

What I really need to do now is to make sure that nothing bad happens.
I really don't need some shit like that on my conscience. Actually, I
feel like she's trying to manipulate me into getting back together with
her again. There's always the off-chance that she's really depressed
and shit. Maybe the best way is really just to ignore her. Kinda cruel,
but if I really have to do it that way, maybe I will.

I can probably call up one of her boyfriends too. I know the guy, got
his number and all that. Let him help her out? It'll be weird though,
me calling him asking him to take care of her. So freaking lame, like
some old movies with some loser ex-boyfriend asking the new boyfriend
to take care of the girl, while secretly wishing to score points with
her. HA. Ha. No, I'm definitely not doing that.
------

I think I'd finally gotten through to her. The last sms
seems she's ok. I really do hope she is, although it took her 2 hours
to reply... Oh well, maybe it's one of the boyfriends.

Sometimes I really wonder why people go through all the emotional
hassles of being in a relationship. I mean, it's all sweet and nice and
stuff when it starts out, but things never last. Sooner or later it's
gonna go bad and you'll wish you'd never started it.

Me and her, we haven't really been together that long. I'd tried my
best to make things work when things started to go wrong. As I'd always
say, a relationship is a thing between 2 persons. If only one side is
gonna work hard towards making it work, it will never work out. Two
plus years, and I'm already too tired to continue this.

The best stories are good because they know when to end. If you
continued at it long enough, every story is probably gonna stop with a
bad ending.

finally

Just got my results online. Luckily, 2 As and 2 Bs. And all along I was worried that I might fail at least one subject, since I never go to class at all. Next semester's starting on next Monday. I'm kinda looking forward to it. Really wanna finish this degree asap so I can move on to other stuff. I've wasted too many years partying and fooling around.

On another note, I'm actually still considering MCSE and CCNA/CCNP. The thing is, I don't know enough about the Cisco stuff to just go ahead and take the exam, and MCSE in ASEAN countries is going down the drain since there've been too many people with the certification this couple of years. Even Micro$0ft came and investigated that shit.
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This year, there won't be a Bon Odori celebration in Ipoh. Shitass TV3's Sure Heboh hogged the place that the celebration was supposed to be held. Fucking bastards. I haven't missed a single year since 2000. The nearest one I can go to now would be in Penang. I wonder whether I can arrange something on such short notice, since the celebration will be held this Saturday night.

I hate TV3. :P

bad start for a day

My ex been bothering me a lot this morning. Period pain and all that shit. It's really none of my fucking business now. Why can't she just moan/complain/bitch about it to her current boyfriends. And I do remember seeing a couple of guys trying to pick her up during class's break time in college. :)

My cell is off now since I really don't wanna answer any of her calls. I slept at after 3am this morning, and her calls and messages kept coming since 9am. Geez. Or maybe I should've just been cruel so that she'll think I'm a jerk and won't ever wanna see my face again.

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Since I only have internet access at work now, the only time I can fiddle around with the blog settings and template designs are when I'm at work. Which really means that I don't have much time. The fact that I haven't been creating any webpages for more than a year doesn't help much either.

Well, at least I got it to look like this. I'm very much towards minimalistic stuff when it comes to designs. Now, if I can only figure out how the hell do I customize the comments page. I somehow messed up the whole layout for the comments when I was fiddling around earlier, so I have to disable it now until I figure out a way to make it looks nice.

mmm... hmmm...

I hate making people cry.

I guess it really had to be done. It feels kinda empty now, but it really doesn't hurt much. Probably it'll hit me later on, after some time has past. I kinda hope that we can still be friends, but that remains to be seen.

... and so i'm here now

I met her during an orientation to a course we both enrolled in. This was late May, 2001. We didn't become friends until almost a month later, during a class. We went out for a break together and talked.
We remained friends for months after that. I never thought of being more than that. Maybe it's just because of my principal of not going after girls that have boyfriends; or maybe I just don't like sharing my girlfriend with someone else. She was going out with two guys at the same time then. Whatever the reason, nothing happened even though she hinted at stuff.
Early February 2002, she got herself a third boyfriend. :)
At this point I should probably clarify some stuff. She's hot, very much so, and she knows how to flaunt it. There are always guys going after her. Some fella actually sent her a POT(!!) of sunflower during class time. She's well spoken and smart too.
A month later, we were just chatting and she just asked whether I felt anything for her. I have no idea why, but I just said yes. I also said that I'm not one to share girlfriends with others. But somehow, we just got together the next day.
In the month that followed, she dumped all three of her boyfriends and I was the only one in her life. That's when I thought that this will be the first relationship that I can be really serious in. After all, I was really in love with her.
The 18 months that followed was great. We both had our ups and downs. We laughed, partied, fought, cried, and lived. It was all great.
Things started to changed when she went for a short, 2-month training for her course. She started spending way too much time on a job that doesn't pay much. She even spends most of her free time going out with her colleagues, and never once wanted me around when she's with them. Obviously, I felt something was wrong. Something was really wrong. She was actually going out with one of her bosses and a colleague at the same time. That was January 2004.
Love makes people stupid, clouds their minds, and makes them behave irrationally. That's the only excuse I can give for what I did when I found out. I gave her a chance to chose.
She chose me, but things were never the same anymore. I started not to trust her as much as before. And being an overly analytical person, I started noticing a lot of her flaws. The worst was the way she likes to hide the truth, or just plain lie. I couldn't stand that, and finally broke up with her in May.
I still loved her when I broke up with her. It's just that I realized that there is no way for us to be able to go on. It's hard to love and trust someone as much once that trust is betrayed. I felt that we were better off living our own lives.
She went to Thailand for a family event shortly after that, and came back with a Thai boyfriend. Another thing that she doesn't know, not even now, is that I know she got back together with her former colleague right after I broke up with her. I'm just gonna keep that my lil secret. Well, she's probably got more boyfriends than that.
After she got back, we somehow ended up having a fling. Basically, it's all my fault. I never knew about the boyfriends until after things got out of control. (Did I mention she's pretty good in bed too?) By the time I found out for sure, it was too late.
It's been a month now. I'm really sick of myself for getting back together with her, even though it's a fling. From another point of view, I'm glad I did because this past month actually let me see the bad side of her more clearly than ever before.
She is a very selfish person and an obsessive-compulsive liar. She doesn't know how to treasure what she has. She's always greedy for more affection and attention from more people. These are the traits that I hate in her, but these traits will probably get her anywhere in life real fast.
Anyway, I should've listened to my friends and never gotten back together with her, even just for a fling. Like what a friend said, if I'm still shagging her, I won't get over her.
I guess this is it then. I am stopping this fling today. Probably just gonna do it over the phone and not even see her. :P It's time to move on.

why

Nothing much is here yet. Just set up the blog and messing around with the colors and styles a bit. I'm probably gonna do a lot more redesigning once I have the time. And the urge.

This blog is here because I need a place to say things I wanna say, without having to worry about whether anyone listens or judges. I tend to create webpages like these when I feel extremely frustrated with life.

The old ones have all been taken down because I found someone a little over two years back. I thought I had found someone with whom I can share everything, and an anonymous diary like this will not serve anymore purpose as I can share all my secrets and thoughts with her. It was all wishful thinking.

This is where I'm gonna tell my story, and by telling, leave it all behind and move on.