tidying up

Been spending the whole weekend tidying up my room. Well, truth is, I've been more or less doing that since the break up, it just became more urgent to do so now.

My bro's gonna be back from UK sometime either end of this year or early next year. The room I'm in now is originally his, I just sorta took it when I got back 3+ years ago. I was thinking of moving back to my old room, which is so fucking small, it's less than half the size of my office. Mom wanted to move to the small room though, since it's at the back of the house, quieter than the master bedroom. Which means bro's gonna be in the master bedroom, and I don't have to move.

Tidying up though, is a must, since we'll be installing air-cons upstairs in the bedrooms this coming weekend. Great chance for me to throw out the junk that I've been keeping all this time. And also some stuff that I probably should've done something about during the break up.

Anyway, "some stuff" was really around. A document folder, a coloring book that we used to play with when we first got together, candles and scented josticks, some glow-in-the-dark stars and stuff... I packed it all up, including the photo of us that I left in a drawer in my office, and brought everything back to her.

Actually, when I did that, I already made up my mind to seriously try to let the whole thing go. I was planning on just dumping it at her dad's shop, near my work place. I ended up bumping into her with her boyfriend. My timing couldn't have been worst. I really didn't need to see that. Still, it didn't feel as bad as I thought it would, and I'm glad for that.

On the bright side of things, I'm gonna have aircon in my room by this Saturday night!! Yeah, I've been living all these years without and aircon in my bedroom. That, and the all-year-long hot weather in Malaysia, really screwed up my PC. I usually have it running at over 60C on hot afternoons. GGrRRrrr...

don't wait

Got this poem from an email. Quite true, so I just put it here.


Don't wait

Don't wait for a smile to be nice..
Don't wait to be loved, to love.
Don't wait to be lonely, to recognize the value of a friend.
Don't wait for the best job, to begin to work.
Don't wait to have a lot, to share a bit.
Don't wait for the fall, to remember the advice.
Don't wait for despair, to believe in prayer.
Don't wait to have time, to be able to serve.
Don't wait for anybody else's pain, to ask for apologies...
neither seperation to make it up.

Don't wait... Because you don't know how long it will take.

anti-social

Feeling kinda anti-social lately. I should be out there partying. National Day's on Tuesday, most people are already on leave since yesterday, vacationing somewhere. I'm still stuck here working on a Sunday, still have to work til 7pm tomorrow night, probably not gonna go for any countdowns, and will drown myself in Java codes on Tuesday.

Days like these, or should I say holidays like these, keep reminding me that I still haven't totally let go of my ex, and that before I do so, having fun is kinda over-shadowed by the fact that she's not around.

Everyone else of my friends say that it'll help if I found someone else. That doesn't really work, as I have no idea how I'd be able to find someone else before I can totally get her out of my mind. Plus, the fact that I'm being anti-social because of all the things in my mind doesn't help either.

I broke up with her, somehow, around the same time that quite a few of my friends broke up with their boyfriends/girlfriends. By now, they're almost all attached again. That's kinda shitty, no matter how I look at it. Maybe I should really learn how to be a heartless bastard, all over again. That'll be good for me.

So now, I'm still gonna drown myself in Java code. I really need to get this done.

hell yeah

Finally found the root of the problem I was having with the proxy server, and Firefox running on client machines. All the while, I thought it was a problem with Wingate. Seems like it's just that the DNS server ip I was using from my ISP is outdated. Tried a new one and now everything works fine.

I can finally use my favourite browser now. All hail Firefox!!

jackass

The movie, actually. I know it's old and I've seen the video clips lying around on the net. Most of them are actually more towards stupid/disgusting/offensive/disturbed than being funny, but somehow I was laughing through the whole 70+ minutes of the movie. Well, most of it. I was pretty grossed out when the fella actually ate and ice cone that he just peed on. The part where this dude deliberately papercut the webbings on his hands and feet (what are those called anyway?) was just plain stupid.

Come to think of it, this movie (if one can really call it that) is an honest approach to being funny (or a choice of stupid/disgusting/offensive/disturbed) than most stupid comedies out there. For instance, Stephen Chow films. Downright silly, but all the while pretending that the movies actually have a deeper meaning. I still can't understand why the hell Shaolin Soccer got awards.

When I used to watch his films, I usually forget about the whole things right after the show's over. Seriously, there's no meaning to it. Exactly like Jackass. Which is the reason why these idiots doing things that normal people wouldn't do, and having fun doing them, is honestly funnier than Stephen Chow.

I kinda think that most of the stunts (read:stupid things) they do are what most people, at least American teenagers, would've thought of doing. Eg: riding a golf cart like a bumper car; put an alligator in the kitchen to scare the shit outta the parents, etc. Thing is, these jackasses dared to do it. I wonder what kinda trouble they got themselves into filming this. Especially the dancing-in-a-thong-in-the-streets-of-Tokyo part. Or the shit-in-a-furniture-store stunt.

All-in-all, the movie was funny.

stuck

Still very much stuck in getting the proxy to work. As of now, I can't log into my Google Mail at all. Can't use Firefox either, since whatever I try to reload doesn't reload at all. Basically stuck with hated IE, once more.

Stuck with my Java assignment too. Going nowhere with it. Since I'm gonna be stuck in Ipoh this weekend and early next week, I'm probably gonna work night and day on it.

Stuck in Heliopolis playing NWN. Shadows in Heliopolis is a great module, although the main town area loads pretty damn slow and is laggy on my PC due to the huge amount of scripts running. Currently stuck, dunno what to do next and I can't seem to solve the ruined tower quest, even though I've finished everything in the tower.

updated

Been away for a while, gonna bitch about a lot of stuff now.

First off, new design. Basically did this so that it looks kinda like how my modded desktop in the office looks. All grey, simple, minimalistic yet functional. Also did it to try out the pixel-border table deisngs. This is the final one that I settled on.

Had been slaving all throught the weekend to fix the company server. Well, actually not the whole weekend, since I just threw everything down and left them to my colleague on Saturday. Big mistake there. The fella really dunno shit about anything, and I ended up doing everything myself when I came in at noon today.
It's all working now, faster internet access than before. Problems left include resetting up of all the ban lists before I can let the labs have access, how to tell my superior in KL that the Cisco firewall might have burnt, the server seems set on overheating in time if the cooling system is not improved and also the why-the-hell-the-Lotus-Domino-doesn't-work problem.
Who am I kidding? We don't even have a proper cooling system for the server room. Something I've been bugging my manager to implement, complete with costing and shit, all given to her and the only thing she can say is "Let's put a National fan in there".
Well, the new PC I'm using for a server there just overheated twice this evening. Now it's running without any covers. I don't even wanna think what'll happen if the place wasn't dust free. Freaking idiotic management.

Susi: stop going to his place.

just being stupid

I asked if you'd be there for me,
and hold me when I cried.
You said you would, always,
until the day I died.

I asked if you'd love me,
with all your heart and soul.
You said you would, with time,
you'd prove that it is so.

I swore to be honest with you,
and hoped you'd do the same.
What I did not realize,
you thought it's just a game.

I still wish to hold your hand,
until we're wrinkled and old;
to walk on soft white sand,
to have you and to hold.

But now you've turned your back on me,
and left me with this pain.
Something died in me, you see.
Without you, my heart will never live again.
--------

I suck at poetry, so sue me.

and another week

Yeah, I'm a loser. Another week past, and the only thing that I managed to do that's actually beneficial is finished my GBS assignment. Finished it at around 3am this morning, actually. I'm not very confident with what I wrote. I'll decide whether I wanna drop the course in around 2 weeks time. Hopefully I can get my assignment graded before then to see whether dropping is a must.

I'm gonna be staying home again for the weekend and be true to the loser definition. A mixture of no car, living with mom and pretty fucking broke is a serious detergent to going out and having fun. I guess I should probably either start my work on Java or Oracle 9i. Those would be due late next month and mid-October. Java is freaking hard.

Another point that proves me a loser is that it's been so long since we've broke up, things got so bad and she's such a bitch, and I still miss her. When will this end?

socialism? liberalism? conservatism?

I'm going nuts over this stupid assignment for Government, Business and Society. Nuts as in bad. It's only the fourth week I took this class and I'm expected to submit a 2000-word essay contrasting socialism with either liberalism or conservatism and discussing whether it's applicable in the year 2004. Or something like that.

Considering I've always hated politics, this is freaking new to me. I have a tough time getting all the facts about these idealogies straight, had barely grasped most of the basic concepts involvled and now I have to rush for this paper.

According to the lecturer from Australia, we have to present points, backed by at least 10-12 sources, to discuss the things needed in the paper. As of right now, I found less than that amount of sources/references that I have yet to read through to determine whether they actually apply to the paper I'm to write. Ain't that just great.

Latest news is, quite a few of my fellow classmates here, in the same college has already dropped the course... I wonder if I should do the same. The add/drop deadline is sometime later this month. I guess I should really, seriously consider this.

emptiness

For the past 2 plus years, Ling has taken up a huge part of my heart, my thoughts and my life. Now, I finally realise that as the reason why it is so hard for me to totally forget about her, and to move on. I had been forcing myself to really forget her. Went so far as to try to convince myself that I feel nothing for her, by still seeing her for lunch, movies, even a fling. I was totally wrong. Forcing it doesn't help at all.

I guess this is what people would call loneliness. This empty space in your heart, once occupied by the best thing in life, now left to rot by that same thing.

And also, at this moment, I realise that I seriously do not have friends that I can really talk to in times like this. Maybe it's just my timing that's bad, but everyone seems to be in their own share of bliss, or too deep in their own sorrow to help. It's really sad when you reach out to those that you thought would help, and no one was there to hold your hand and keep you from falling further.

Sometimes, I really regret loving someone with all my heart. Before I knew how it felt, I was eager to try. I knew that if the ending was bad, it'll hurt; but I never knew how much it will hurt. I guess this is one of those things that if people knew, they'd never bother to try. When I look back, and feel the way I feel now, I can't convince myself that it was all worth it. Love is overrated.

I started this journal to help me forget about her. When I read it now, it seems like most of it is about her. I still haven't moved on. I'd never been this way before and I really hate myself for being like this.

My so-called best friend is not helping either. She told me to send her an sms or email if I needed a hand or to talk. That she'd call me and talk to me if I needed her to. All she ever did was tell me to get a life and that she's seeing her boyfriend when I reached out to her. And now, she has the guts to send me an email saying she needs to talk and that she's going some kinda emotional turmoil. Fuck her. She's been like this forever. This time, I'm through with this shit.

This emptiness hurts, but I'll get through it. I'll get accustomed to being alone again one day.

...

Ling told me that she's going for a walk-in interview thing for MAS airlines today. I was actually happy for her and supported her for it. It seems no matter how much I wanna get over her, I still care for her to a certain degree. Haven't got any news from her about how the thing went. It's gonna be 9pm soon, so I guess the interview should be over. Somehow I kept expecting that she'll call or sms and tell me whether she made it.

Susi's right when she said that I still care for her, although I didn't really realize that fact til just now. I think I'm stupid, caring for her still when she's got all the guys she wants around her now. Looking at it from another aspect, I don't regret loving her, nor do I hate myself for still caring for her more than I should. Somehow, this just proves to me that I have really loved. And I'm glad that I did. I always believe that a person should at least throw his/her heart out like that once in his/her life.

I wonder if she'll call later tonight, although I really doubt it.

ramblings on a monday

I actually paid for a stupid movie in a cinema last Friday night. That's something I vowed not to ever do again after watching Hellboy. (That was a really dumb thing too, don't ask.) Actually, I went planning on seeing Godsend. Stem cell research seems like a good topic for a movie. Ended up they wanted something Chinese, so I thought, even with all the bad reviews, that 十面埋伏 would be cool. And then we ended up watching a dumb Cantonese comedy called Three of a Kind.
Well, Friday wasn't all bad cos I ended up getting Chrno Crusade and Peacemaker. Both I couldn't get through iMesh. If only I can figure out how to run BT or Kazaa through the company's firewall.

The rest of the weekend were just animes with Sheryl. It's good to be lazy for a while sometimes.

Actually, I kinda regret not going to KL over the weekend. There were quite some good deals on computers and accessories in the PC Fair held over the weekend. CDRWs at RM68 per 100pcs!! Not to mention the deals on speaker systems I heard. Guess I missed that.

Had some good news this morning when Susi emailed and said that I'm being considered for a team leader post for a tech support team in her company. I have my fingers crossed for a phone call from them. If it works out, I'll have my chance to move away from Ipoh for a while. Kinda sick of this place now, been here almost four years. *sigh*

I wonder how long it'll take for me to totally forget about everything I'd felt for my ex. I once had a crush on Fee, just a crush, and it took me nearly 3 years to totally get that outta my head. Sometimes, it really is kinda tough forgetting someone you've truly loved for so long. Well, the things my ex did helped a bit, I guess. Although I'm still far from the really ok area, I'm really trying now. Getting away would be a great help. :)

Just over spent my lunch hour earlier stocking up on junkfood. I've been kinda working out a lot and eating healthy lately, but hey, gotta let go once in a while. Junkfood is good when I'm planning on spending more of my nights at home either studying or watching animes/movies. Another great way to save up for trips to other places. :)