Yeah, I'm a loser. Another week past, and the only thing that I managed to do that's actually beneficial is finished my GBS assignment. Finished it at around 3am this morning, actually. I'm not very confident with what I wrote. I'll decide whether I wanna drop the course in around 2 weeks time. Hopefully I can get my assignment graded before then to see whether dropping is a must.
I'm gonna be staying home again for the weekend and be true to the loser definition. A mixture of no car, living with mom and pretty fucking broke is a serious detergent to going out and having fun. I guess I should probably either start my work on Java or Oracle 9i. Those would be due late next month and mid-October. Java is freaking hard.
Another point that proves me a loser is that it's been so long since we've broke up, things got so bad and she's such a bitch, and I still miss her. When will this end?
Friday, August 13, 2004
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
socialism? liberalism? conservatism?
I'm going nuts over this stupid assignment for Government, Business and Society. Nuts as in bad. It's only the fourth week I took this class and I'm expected to submit a 2000-word essay contrasting socialism with either liberalism or conservatism and discussing whether it's applicable in the year 2004. Or something like that.
Considering I've always hated politics, this is freaking new to me. I have a tough time getting all the facts about these idealogies straight, had barely grasped most of the basic concepts involvled and now I have to rush for this paper.
According to the lecturer from Australia, we have to present points, backed by at least 10-12 sources, to discuss the things needed in the paper. As of right now, I found less than that amount of sources/references that I have yet to read through to determine whether they actually apply to the paper I'm to write. Ain't that just great.
Latest news is, quite a few of my fellow classmates here, in the same college has already dropped the course... I wonder if I should do the same. The add/drop deadline is sometime later this month. I guess I should really, seriously consider this.
Considering I've always hated politics, this is freaking new to me. I have a tough time getting all the facts about these idealogies straight, had barely grasped most of the basic concepts involvled and now I have to rush for this paper.
According to the lecturer from Australia, we have to present points, backed by at least 10-12 sources, to discuss the things needed in the paper. As of right now, I found less than that amount of sources/references that I have yet to read through to determine whether they actually apply to the paper I'm to write. Ain't that just great.
Latest news is, quite a few of my fellow classmates here, in the same college has already dropped the course... I wonder if I should do the same. The add/drop deadline is sometime later this month. I guess I should really, seriously consider this.
Saturday, August 7, 2004
emptiness
For the past 2 plus years, Ling has taken up a huge part of my heart, my thoughts and my life. Now, I finally realise that as the reason why it is so hard for me to totally forget about her, and to move on. I had been forcing myself to really forget her. Went so far as to try to convince myself that I feel nothing for her, by still seeing her for lunch, movies, even a fling. I was totally wrong. Forcing it doesn't help at all.
I guess this is what people would call loneliness. This empty space in your heart, once occupied by the best thing in life, now left to rot by that same thing.
And also, at this moment, I realise that I seriously do not have friends that I can really talk to in times like this. Maybe it's just my timing that's bad, but everyone seems to be in their own share of bliss, or too deep in their own sorrow to help. It's really sad when you reach out to those that you thought would help, and no one was there to hold your hand and keep you from falling further.
Sometimes, I really regret loving someone with all my heart. Before I knew how it felt, I was eager to try. I knew that if the ending was bad, it'll hurt; but I never knew how much it will hurt. I guess this is one of those things that if people knew, they'd never bother to try. When I look back, and feel the way I feel now, I can't convince myself that it was all worth it. Love is overrated.
I started this journal to help me forget about her. When I read it now, it seems like most of it is about her. I still haven't moved on. I'd never been this way before and I really hate myself for being like this.
My so-called best friend is not helping either. She told me to send her an sms or email if I needed a hand or to talk. That she'd call me and talk to me if I needed her to. All she ever did was tell me to get a life and that she's seeing her boyfriend when I reached out to her. And now, she has the guts to send me an email saying she needs to talk and that she's going some kinda emotional turmoil. Fuck her. She's been like this forever. This time, I'm through with this shit.
This emptiness hurts, but I'll get through it. I'll get accustomed to being alone again one day.
I guess this is what people would call loneliness. This empty space in your heart, once occupied by the best thing in life, now left to rot by that same thing.
And also, at this moment, I realise that I seriously do not have friends that I can really talk to in times like this. Maybe it's just my timing that's bad, but everyone seems to be in their own share of bliss, or too deep in their own sorrow to help. It's really sad when you reach out to those that you thought would help, and no one was there to hold your hand and keep you from falling further.
Sometimes, I really regret loving someone with all my heart. Before I knew how it felt, I was eager to try. I knew that if the ending was bad, it'll hurt; but I never knew how much it will hurt. I guess this is one of those things that if people knew, they'd never bother to try. When I look back, and feel the way I feel now, I can't convince myself that it was all worth it. Love is overrated.
I started this journal to help me forget about her. When I read it now, it seems like most of it is about her. I still haven't moved on. I'd never been this way before and I really hate myself for being like this.
My so-called best friend is not helping either. She told me to send her an sms or email if I needed a hand or to talk. That she'd call me and talk to me if I needed her to. All she ever did was tell me to get a life and that she's seeing her boyfriend when I reached out to her. And now, she has the guts to send me an email saying she needs to talk and that she's going some kinda emotional turmoil. Fuck her. She's been like this forever. This time, I'm through with this shit.
This emptiness hurts, but I'll get through it. I'll get accustomed to being alone again one day.
Thursday, August 5, 2004
...
Ling told me that she's going for a walk-in interview thing for MAS airlines today. I was actually happy for her and supported her for it. It seems no matter how much I wanna get over her, I still care for her to a certain degree. Haven't got any news from her about how the thing went. It's gonna be 9pm soon, so I guess the interview should be over. Somehow I kept expecting that she'll call or sms and tell me whether she made it.
Susi's right when she said that I still care for her, although I didn't really realize that fact til just now. I think I'm stupid, caring for her still when she's got all the guys she wants around her now. Looking at it from another aspect, I don't regret loving her, nor do I hate myself for still caring for her more than I should. Somehow, this just proves to me that I have really loved. And I'm glad that I did. I always believe that a person should at least throw his/her heart out like that once in his/her life.
I wonder if she'll call later tonight, although I really doubt it.
Susi's right when she said that I still care for her, although I didn't really realize that fact til just now. I think I'm stupid, caring for her still when she's got all the guys she wants around her now. Looking at it from another aspect, I don't regret loving her, nor do I hate myself for still caring for her more than I should. Somehow, this just proves to me that I have really loved. And I'm glad that I did. I always believe that a person should at least throw his/her heart out like that once in his/her life.
I wonder if she'll call later tonight, although I really doubt it.
Monday, August 2, 2004
ramblings on a monday
I actually paid for a stupid movie in a cinema last Friday night. That's something I vowed not to ever do again after watching Hellboy. (That was a really dumb thing too, don't ask.) Actually, I went planning on seeing Godsend. Stem cell research seems like a good topic for a movie. Ended up they wanted something Chinese, so I thought, even with all the bad reviews, that 十面埋伏 would be cool. And then we ended up watching a dumb Cantonese comedy called Three of a Kind.
Well, Friday wasn't all bad cos I ended up getting Chrno Crusade and Peacemaker. Both I couldn't get through iMesh. If only I can figure out how to run BT or Kazaa through the company's firewall.
The rest of the weekend were just animes with Sheryl. It's good to be lazy for a while sometimes.
Actually, I kinda regret not going to KL over the weekend. There were quite some good deals on computers and accessories in the PC Fair held over the weekend. CDRWs at RM68 per 100pcs!! Not to mention the deals on speaker systems I heard. Guess I missed that.
Had some good news this morning when Susi emailed and said that I'm being considered for a team leader post for a tech support team in her company. I have my fingers crossed for a phone call from them. If it works out, I'll have my chance to move away from Ipoh for a while. Kinda sick of this place now, been here almost four years. *sigh*
I wonder how long it'll take for me to totally forget about everything I'd felt for my ex. I once had a crush on Fee, just a crush, and it took me nearly 3 years to totally get that outta my head. Sometimes, it really is kinda tough forgetting someone you've truly loved for so long. Well, the things my ex did helped a bit, I guess. Although I'm still far from the really ok area, I'm really trying now. Getting away would be a great help. :)
Just over spent my lunch hour earlier stocking up on junkfood. I've been kinda working out a lot and eating healthy lately, but hey, gotta let go once in a while. Junkfood is good when I'm planning on spending more of my nights at home either studying or watching animes/movies. Another great way to save up for trips to other places. :)
Well, Friday wasn't all bad cos I ended up getting Chrno Crusade and Peacemaker. Both I couldn't get through iMesh. If only I can figure out how to run BT or Kazaa through the company's firewall.
The rest of the weekend were just animes with Sheryl. It's good to be lazy for a while sometimes.
Actually, I kinda regret not going to KL over the weekend. There were quite some good deals on computers and accessories in the PC Fair held over the weekend. CDRWs at RM68 per 100pcs!! Not to mention the deals on speaker systems I heard. Guess I missed that.
Had some good news this morning when Susi emailed and said that I'm being considered for a team leader post for a tech support team in her company. I have my fingers crossed for a phone call from them. If it works out, I'll have my chance to move away from Ipoh for a while. Kinda sick of this place now, been here almost four years. *sigh*
I wonder how long it'll take for me to totally forget about everything I'd felt for my ex. I once had a crush on Fee, just a crush, and it took me nearly 3 years to totally get that outta my head. Sometimes, it really is kinda tough forgetting someone you've truly loved for so long. Well, the things my ex did helped a bit, I guess. Although I'm still far from the really ok area, I'm really trying now. Getting away would be a great help. :)
Just over spent my lunch hour earlier stocking up on junkfood. I've been kinda working out a lot and eating healthy lately, but hey, gotta let go once in a while. Junkfood is good when I'm planning on spending more of my nights at home either studying or watching animes/movies. Another great way to save up for trips to other places. :)
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